How to Respond When Your Child Hits You

Getting hit by your toddler can be frustrating, embarrassing, and infuriating. For some parents, it brings a sense of shame and desperation. They worry that their toddler's aggression signals that they've somehow failed as a parent.

But most toddlers hit at one time or another. The way you respond to your child's hitting is key to nipping it in the bud. Here's what you need to know about toddler hitting, including why they do it and how to stop it.

Reasons Why Toddlers Hit

There are several reasons why kids hit their parents, including the following

• They don't know how to manage their feelings or express them in a more socially acceptable way. 
• They lack the language skills or impulse control to cope with their emotions.
• They want to get their needs met, often without thinking about the consequences.
• They're using hitting to try to get what they want. A child who hits their parent when they say no might hope the aggression will change their parent's mind.

What to Do When Your Toddler Hits You

How you respond to hitting will influence how likely your child is to hit again. Read our tips for responding when your toddler hits you.

Establish rules

Create household rules that address respect. Make it clear that hitting, kicking, biting, or acts of physical aggression are not allowed in your home.

Frame your rules in a positive manner whenever possible. Instead of saying, "Don't hit," say, "Use respectful touches." Talk to your toddler about the rules to ensure they understand the consequences of breaking them.

When your child hits you, firmly say, “No hitting. Hitting hurts.” Keep your messages consistent to teach your child that hitting is not allowed and you won't tolerate it.

Use consequences to enforce rules

If your child knows the rules but continues to hit, use some of the following consequences to deter them from hitting again.

• Time-out: For some children, a time-out can be the most effective way to deter them from hitting again. A time-out teaches toddlers how to calm themselves down and removes them from the environment. It's important to teach them how to regulate themselves during this calm-down time.
• Loss of privilege: Other kids may require additional consequences. Taking away privileges can be an effective discipline strategy. Restrict your toddler's access to electronics or certain toys. The younger the child, the less time they need away from an object.
• Restitution: Have your child perform an extra chore or ask them to draw you a picture as a way to make amends.

Acknowledge positive behaviors

Reinforcing good behaviors with positive consequences can encourage your toddler to stop hitting. Catch your child being good. Watch out for times when your child is engaging in a behavior you want to see and praise them when you see it. This will reinforce the behavior and make it more likely they will engage in that behavior in the future. For example, praise or reward your child for using "gentle touches.” Break the day up into several periods where they can earn stickers or tokens for good behavior.

Teach appropriate behavior

Avoid telling kids, “Don’t hit.” Instead, say things like "use gentle hands" or "say your feelings." Research has shown that it is more effective to state a command in the positive rather than the negative.

Also, teach your child anger management skills as well. When they feel angry or upset, encourage your toddler to look at an age-appropriate book, draw a picture, take a deep breath, or go to their room.

And, talk to your child about feelings, such as sadness and frustration. Discuss the importance of dealing with these feelings in appropriate ways and help your toddler discover strategies to cope with their emotions safely.

Avoid corporal punishment

If you use spanking as a punishment, your child will be confused about why you’re allowed to hit and they're not. Instead of teaching self-control, spanking can increase your child's aggression.

Children learn more about behavior from what they see you do, rather than what they hear you say. Model behaviors you want to see in your child. Show them how to deal with anger, sadness, and disappointment in socially appropriate ways.

Get professional help

If you have an older child who hits you, or you have an especially aggressive preschooler or toddler, seek professional help. Talk to your child's pediatrician about your concerns. They may refer your child for an evaluation to help determine the cause of the aggression and a plan to address it.

Sometimes underlying issues can contribute to aggression in children. For example, children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or oppositional defiant disorder are more likely to hit. At other times, children with cognitive or developmental delays may hit because they lack the ability to use their words or manage their impulses.