Does Your Faith Community Hate You This Much?
Boy, I just do not know how I feel about this story out of Minnesota: A Catholic church has issued a restraining order against the family of a child with autism to keep them from bringing him to Mass. Because, natch, the boy is just too disruptive.
A restraining order. Man. That makes the dark looks we sometimes get from ushers and fellow parishioners seem positively warm and welcoming by comparison. I mean, this 13-year-old's mother was ticketed for the crime of going to Mother's Day Mass. That's just cold.
On the other hand, though ... a local news report quoting the priest's petition for the restraining order describes the boy's disruptive behavior as including spitting, urinating, and forcible restraint by his parents, sometimes requiring the binding of his hands and feet. (!) Which begs the question: What is this child's experience of church, other than a horrifying ordeal?
The priest claims to have tried asking the family to come to a different Mass or sit in a different part of the church, and those sound like the sorts of accommodations my husband and I routinely make for the comfort of our son, our pewmates, and ourselves. It's our own decision to do so, though; I don't know how I would feel if it was the church's request. Probably would depend on how the request was made, and certainly whether there was a threat of legal action.
This seems like one of those situations where there just has to be a better way to handle things, on both ends. What do you think? Do parents have any obligation to consider their fellow congregants when they bring children with behavioral challenges to church? And don't religious authorities have the obligation to love them anyway?
Share your thoughts in the comments.
Photo: Muhannad Fala'ah/Getty Images
UGH! This situation just tears me up. Part of the problem is this particular town is a little tiny farming community. I spent 10 years living in a neighboring community. To say they are behind the times is a understatement. People who are “different” move away for better services, etc. I know this…when you read the story you have to remember there are two sides, and the truth is somewhere IN BETWEEN what you’re reading. We eventually moved closer into the cities where many churches have special needs ministries. I loved the small town we lived in, but there was so much it didn’t have for my daughter.
Yes, I sympathesize but such is why with more than one child with special needs, I don’t attend church anymore. We worship at home as a family. I feel as though God knows the situation and is forgiving of our absense in an actual church building. A single visit to a church lets me know whether my family will be comfortable or not. I would never force my child to go to a church and be expected to behave appropriately without complete preparation with Applied Behavior Analysisn or behavior Therapy which parents can do if time allows.
As you said, I’m sure we’ll never know the full story. BUT, if ANY person poses a threat to others in ANY public setting than something needs to be done? Would you really bring a person you love somewhere that would require them to be ‘forcibly restrained”? As an Occupational Therapist and a parent of a child with SPD, I see the challenge but I also see the challenge for the priest. Something is definately wrong with this whole situation. It is beyond a child moving around and lot and making noise. In all charity, I think it would be wrong to judge this priest in this case – obviously some sort of threat to him or his congregation was perceived and it sounds like he tried to handle this first with the parents. I do feel for all involved – the child, parents and the priest and his congregation. Spitting and urinating?! Would you feel safe or comfortable sitting in a pew in front of, next to this child? sigh. What a difficult and complicated situation. Next week when I have my 5yo at Church, I’ll remind myself how easy I have it….
One more thing, preventing this child from coming to Mass does not mean that this priest is not loving him or the family. Is it really a loving thing to do to bring a child to Mass that has to be physically restrained during it? And is it loving to allow others in the congregation to be spit on? Not sure what the answer is but I think it is wrong to judge this priest as not being loving. If this child was at your house for a celebration of some sort and was spitting on your guests, urinating on your living room floor (his is 13yo) and needing to be physically restrained, what would you do?? Would it be unloving of you to bo worried about the safety and security of all of your guests? I know this is a poor analogy but I really hate to see this priest judged as being in some way ‘unloving’.
It seems to me that maybe this story has more than two sides. As is often the case with an organization, the other members might have had an influence – perhaps someone mentioned they were planning to change to a quieter church. Perhaps someone is genuinely afraid of the boy, whether through perceived contagion or perceived/actual fear of injury. Maybe the church itself is the issue – could it also be a community building where sports are played? There are so many possibilities, too many. I do know, though, that at least one family, and at least one community, have been wounded.
My son was “exorcized” by a well meaning Sunday School teacher (they tried to anyhow, at which point I started to question their sanity). And I remember when he was an infant and cried almost non-stop (he was quiet wfor woship and screamed during sermons and homilies) my mothers curch asked me to step oputside with him because that day he was giggling. I was so happy he was not screaming that I was all ears to Father until I was directed outside. Then I was simply mad. I would not stay at a church that my child wasn’t welcome…..or at one my son couldn’t be sucessful at either. Parents and Preist both neeed to find a solution….
I wish the title of this story wasn’t so negative, but the comments of others are very balanced and helpful.
Before I became the mother of a child with special needs I sat through a special musical program at church where a family sat behind me whose child had autism. He was very disruptive in a way that seemed disrespectful to me and I did not know he had autism, so I spent the entire time thinking, “Will the parents be offended if I offer to take him for a walk outside?” or “How can they let him act this way, don’t they realize how uncomfortable it makes everyone else?” After I learned he had autism and I learned I was pregnant, I begged God not to give me a child with autism.
Now I am the parent of a child with Fragile X Syndrome and some autistic-like behaviors and I have a whole new level of empathy for those parents. We ended up changing churches, because the small church where we had been was not a good fit for our family anymore. The church we attend now is very accomodating and our son loves church and is not very disruptive, just joyful.
Life is a constantly-changing journey, in which we grow from every relationship and every experience. I think that is why God places people with special needs in the world – they help us grow to be more like Him.
My heart goes out to all involved in what sounds like God’s nightmare. My family stopped attending church when my special needs child became adolescent and the religious education team simply had no clue or apparent desire to cope with, manage his behaviors, or find a way to include him. We looked around for another place of worship after this but discovered that his age and special needs mixed very poorly with the religious options we found.
i had a similar kind of situation myself with 2 of my grandchildren… one grandchild had adhd and odd and the other grandchild was born with developmental delays… in 2 different instances i was asked not 2 bring my grandchildren 2 church. i no longer go 2 that church… i have been fortunate 2 find a church that does accept my grandchildren and the people there are very understanding and helpful with the children… i take care of 6 grandchildren currently and three of them have adhd and the one grandchild has developmental delays… the church i currently attend has a lot of programs set up for young children… and we have all been very blessed 2 b there…
Reading these posts make me sad. Many of you have said you no longer go to church since you had a child with special needs. Jesus did not come for the righteous he came for the unrighteous. I don’t know about you guys, but my son with special needs puts me in a place every day that I need a savior. The point is if I can’t come to church then the church still has an obligation to God to spiritually feed myself and my child. We send people around the world to spread the gospel, but we don’t want to spread the gospel in our Jerusalem? Religious groups will fight human rights no problem, but they do not want to wash the feet of a child with Autism. What’s the answer?
As a parent of a 30 yr old sopecials needs child who still lives with us it is sad to see or hear of the relgious community shunning the special needs families. We didn’t choose this lifestyle. We were involved with children’s ministries for over twenty years, at times being pastors over large children ministry departments. As our son grew we became well aware that there wasn’t anything available to him for him to understand biblical concepts. Other children ignored or made fun of him. But, we perseverd and were inpired by him and his peers to start a ministry in 2003 called Special Church (www.specialchurch.com). It is designed with the special needs community in mind. A place for them to praise, worship, participate … all without fear of ‘making a mistake’. As one of our regulars emphatically said to a visitor one time ‘…this is our church!” Visit our website and maybe we can help you start a Special Church in your community.