"The Monster Inside My Son." That's the title of a Salon article in which writer Ann Bauer pours out her anguish at the violent turn her son's life has taken since he stopped being a beautiful mysterious child with autism and turned in to a hulking aggressive adult. Though she had brief hopes of his cure in the middle-school years, and disregarded warnings that his life might come to this, the monster could not be stopped. "I would hack off my right arm in return for something as simple as cancer," Bauer writes. "The flickering beauty of a sad, pure, too-early death sounds lovely."
Does that mean all kids with autism are doomed to a future of menace and manacles? It's easy to feel, when your child suffers a tragedy, that it is part of a larger truth and something others must be warned about. Writes Bauer, "Autism does not always equal violence. But I do believe there may be a tragic, blameless relationship. ... Circumstances, neurology, size and age combine to create the perfect storm."
Though there's not much as parents we can do about neurology, size, and age, circumstances are to some extent under our control. Bauer describes her son as "living daily in a world where everything hurts and nothing makes sense," and that's a concern for children with autism and other special needs as well. Making the world less hurtful and more sensible for our kids is a challenge that can't always be met -- but as I look at my growing, growing boy, becoming stronger and heavier by the minute, it seems like a pretty urgent priority.
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Thanks for this article. I have already seen ‘the monster’ inside my boys on rare occasions – when backed into a corner, my eldest reached out and grabbed the neck of a classmate, and started to throttle him. Fortunately, they were separated quickly, and no one saw it as more than excessive boyish tit for tat. I saw a possible future.
We constantly question whether we are doing enough to give them their voices, their independence, the ability to deal with the frustration life hands out. I don’t think we will know whether what we have done is enough for many years (they are currently 9 and 8), and all we can do is hope.
I know many adults with autism, from very severe to mild, and many are gentle and easy-going, with basically positive attitudes toward life, while others continue to have behavioral issues, but still make progress and get better year by year. The problem with these kinds of articles is they can make parents needlessly afraid. I’ve known quite a few kids with autism who had behavior problems as kids, often escalating to severe levels in early adolescence, who then matured and went on to lead happy, productive lives as adults, with very different personalities than what was evident in their adolescence. There are so many things we need to worry about as parents, but I think violence in adulthood is not one of the most common concerns. It just causes so much anguish when it does happen that it gets a lot of focus. I also think that as society becomes more understanding, new treatments develop, schools and supported employment programs learn new methods, better communication skills are taught, etc., that fewer and fewer kids will have to endure the level of pain and constant frustration that can lead to violence. At least I want to believe this.
Wouldn’t this mother be better off speaking of her troubles with a therapist. I sympathise with her situation, but she does more harm and creates negative stereoptying of people with autism. The “World is Flat” histeria for mothers of children with autism.
This story could be written by mothers of children who have schizoprhenia, Bipolar 1, personality type disorders etc. I reiterate Nancy Deren’s comment that people with autism vary greatly in personality as do non-ASD people.
Well, obviously the rest of you have not had to endure the violent behaviors of a autistic child. Why don’t you volunteer to keep them for the weekend and then let us know what you think! It’s very easy to judge when you are not the one experiencing it. My son has turned very violent due to the school locking him in a room during this past year. Now he scratches, bites, punches, etc.. anyone at any time. There are no defining triggers. Three years ago, the teacher was holding face down on a bean bag with her foot while she sat in a chair. The school system has moved him to another school.
Meanwhile, I’m left over the summer with bloody hands and face from him scratching and biting me; hitting me in the face and pulling my hair; and now he’s throwing everything around in his room. He cannot speak and this frustrates him and us (the parents) even more. You cannot calm him down when he’s like this, and then when he’s calmed himself down, approaching him to try and talk to him sets him off again. He is fed via a G-button (feeding tube) and won’t let me near him during the day to try and feed him or change his diaper — he’s 11 years old and still is not potty trained. This can create a huge mess.
He is almost the same height as I am and can now pin me to the ground when he gets violent. I welcome any of you to come and keep him for while I “observe” how you handle this.
Hi, I’m also the mother of a 21 year old young man with autism. He is seldom violent or angry. He seldom cried as a child. He goes about his day in routine fashion, only changing to something else at his own desire. I let him have his space. I let him make his transitions. Often he does not wish to leave a movie or game for dinner or a snack, the food is covered and left on the table or in a container in the refrigerator, he can heat it and eat it at his leisure. That’s the thing about this special need, he has leisure time I could only dream of. He only acts out or acts up as some call it, when others, try to impose their will or plans on him and time constraints by force or getting in his face without backing off. He does not like to be hurried or compelled, and I don’t do it, and when others do, it creates aggression, they don’t realize that they are being the aggressor and that breeds aggression. It’s all about understanding that his brain does not work the way his caregiver’s brain works. He learns at his own pace, bathes and dresses at his own pace and dines at his own pace. Allowing extra time helps me to elimiate opposition on his part by not causing him to feel rushed. When I hear adults talking about aggression in these kids I know that they are imposing constraints which the child finds it hard to deal with, not knowing when to back off and let the child have space, this breeds aggression. At school, violent behavior is only bred by bullying and failure to recognize each individuals space. Teachers don’t watch close enough for bullies in this environment, or allow each child the time and space it needs to transition from task to activity. This also breeds aggression.
the reality is that it is the autism community that activly still uses word like “behavior” instead of focusing on the underlying reasons for the violent behavior. please show me it on any of the sites. there are less doctors dedicated to the sickest among this community now than just a couple years ago. headlines of state insurance coverage that is nothing more than aba, it is both a crime and a sin
my sister has an autistic 9 year old she beats the heck out of my sister she has so many bites on her arms breast back so forth.I dont know why my sister tolerates that violence. the child even hurts other
children at school.she is allways so angry.im so afraid for my sister.i hate to go to her house . this child picks up tvs and toss them. unbelievable.
strength.
While I want to be hopeful, too, as I have a special-needs child who has a tendency towards aggression (but not full-blown attacks), I totally sympathize with what Valerie is saying and going through. I do NOT judge nor trivialize what others say they are going through, and looking at life from this perspective has given me a humbler, more insightful and magnanimous perspective on life in general. As much as I hate my son having to go through what he does, and hate going through it myself, I would much rather see the world through my eyes than through the eyes of the untolerant, judging, small and clueless people who dare think they have any moral authority to comment on the experiences of the experienced!
I am raising my nonverbal grandson who has autism and bipolar. Bipolar and ADD/ADHD happen to run on both sides of his family. I have raised this boy since he was less that 3 and he is almost 16 now. He is also over 200 lbs and moving past 6 foot. When he is upset, hungry, hurting, or frustrated he goes for me. I am 67 now and 5 foot. At school he was long ago moved from a class with women instructors to a class with males. At 85 lbs he could take a female teacher or aide down. He is also on medications as are his bipolar brothers and mother. We have to take into consideration what might be causing his aggression. Is his allergies giving him a severe headache or maybe is it past dinner time for him? His last ones were caused by pain of an abscessed tooth! No one should judge the families of a nonverbal child with autism or even a bipolar child unless they have lived with that child. I hope our boy can stay at home forever because we are willing to understand and work with him and it scares me to think what could happen to him in a group home with constantly changing personnel.
My 14 year old son has turned very violent towards me in the last year or so. He is about 5′11 and weighs about 170. I am 5′5 and weigh 117. He is unbelievably strong. I’ve recently had to withdraw him from school to homeschool him. Our problem isn’t so much people trying to put constraints on him but him trying to manipulate his environment. It can be something as ridiculous as wanting lunchtime to be at 8am or wanting it to be time to go pick up his little brother from school well before school lets out. While I know I could give him “lunch” at 8am to avoid a confrontation, I wonder how much good it does him to learn that my fear of him can get him whatever he wants. In my mind, that will only make things worse.
We are like the grandmother a couple of posts up in that he always goes for me when he’s angry. He has actually pulled balled spots on my head and scratched my face up. Sometimes I think I must deserve it since I have had to be the disciplinarian in the family. I’m the one who sets the rules and who ran his ABA therapy for years when he was younger so I think he views me as the person in the home who controls everything. Maybe I was too hard on him earlier on but I thought I was helping him. He was always well behaved and mild up until he hit puberty. I hope this is temporary but I’m afraid he’s going to kill me.
I found this article after searching the terms “autism” and “violent.” I read the Salon.com article first and found it much deeper and more informative, but the comments on this one are the telling thing.
I am a babysitter for a severely autistic child. Today, though, he attacked me and the other people around us while we were on an outing. He reached out and slapped a man on the subway train, grabbed fistfuls of my hair while kicking me in the shins, and generally lashed out. Unprovoked. Long story short, it was a mess. The police showed up. Some stranger approached us to give him a hug and tell him that it was my fault–that I’d done something to make him that way. Once I’d wrestled him outside and isolated him from pedestrians, I couldn’t help but cry.
I love this kid. I spent hours agonizing over a Christmas present for him (and his parents, and his sister…) I am so exhausted by this encounter, but grateful for the fact that I can go home at the end of the day. What happens if he attacks his younger sister? I ended the day with bruised shins and less hair, but she could have fared much worse, had she been with us. (And to that guy who got slapped by C., I am so so sorry. I’m not sure if I said it in the moment.)
I am so sorry to hear of all the families with loved ones with significant behaviors. I have a 17 year old son who has autism, epilepsy, adhd, and a touch of OCD. He has been diagnosed as PDDNOS and is verbal so a lot of his frustration he is able to express. Perhaps this is why he doesn’t have significant inappropriate behavior. He is able to express his disappointment and anger about life’s frustrations. He does argue a lot at times and wears our nerves, but he does not strike out, bite, or have any physically aggressive behaviors. I would think he would IF he wasn’t able to express his feelings. The children, teens, and adults with autism who do have aggression MAY be lashing out as a way of communicating. If we could find a channnel for them to use to let out their feelings and frustrations, MAYBE they wouldn’t be so physically aggressive? I have my son draw or write about what’s bothering him. I’m not sure if this will help anyone with a non-verbal loved one, but I do know there are people with autism out there that can type, but aren’t verbal. My heart goes out to all of you with loved ones with significant behavior challenges. I pray the doctors and scientists will someday find a cure or prevention for autism (and bipolar, and epilepsy, and cerebal palsy, and cancer, and…).
Merry Christmas, belated Happy Hannukah, Happy Holidays! Peace, Theresa
The behavior can be downright scary. My 19-year-old son has broken 3 TVs in the last year as well as left countless bruises and scratches over the rest of us. There are no “triggers” to this kind of behavior. Something that is fine one day may set off the violent reaction the next. I wholeheartedly agree with Scarlett. Yes, in theory he can have an 8 a..m. lunch, but do we really want to make lunch before the breakfast dishes are done? And my son also has the unrealistic expectations of when his brother gets home from school, when I get home from work, etc. On Saturday, he threw a fit because it wasn’t time to go to church (which is on Sunday). He is our son and we love him dearly, but he can also be dangerous as can be. Therein lies the crux of our decisions what to do with him. We can’t bear to think of him in a home, but when he comes in our room in the early morning with fists flailing because it’s a snow day or simply because it’s Memorial Day and we are off of our routine, we are not safe. It’s not a fun life.
Each situation is different and there is no way one can fairly pass judgment on another’s situation.
As a caregiver to many different children with a wide variety of diagnosis. Each case is different. While some kids respond well to redirection or giving them as much space as possible, others triggers are completely unpredictable and no matter how hard we tried meltdowns, some very violent, were unavoidable.
Understanding and learning from each other will get us all much further than judgment.
I really enjoyed all the comments it made me realize im not alone.. I have a 6 year old autistic daughter who is verbal but still doesnt really know how to express her emotions. She can be the sweetest girl but she can be very violent. She’s still very young and still sometimes hardly handable. She’s broke countless windows with her head, and has a tendacy to hit,bit, pinch and pull hair.. We have to watch her very carefully when she gets angry or upset around her lil sister because she could easily hurt her if someone wasnt there to step in the way.. so far she is still in a main stream school, but not sure that will last for ever, she can be very abusive when the other kids invade her space..thank you for all the comments it really made me feel like im not alone…i love my daughter very much and i wish and try to help her learn to express her emotions in better ways..bless you all…
As the mother of a 23 year old autistic sometimes violent adult, I definitely can Identify with the writer. We try to use distraction techniques when my sons meltdown first begins. There is usually a low becoming louder every second sound my severely autistic son makes before going on one of his violent rampages where we try to give him something else to focus on.
He also has ocd and very limited speech. I try to look for clues as to whats setting him off and remove it from his site. Sometimes this helps.
I am interested in what Paul ended up doing with his son. I am the mother of a 19-year-old autistic daughter. She is as sweet as she can be, somewhat verbal, independent as far as dressing herself, etc. But, she has turned extremely violent. When she gets quiet and looks down, I know it’s coming. I try and talk calmly to her and try to get her focused on something else. It doesn’t work. She will scream at the top of her lungs – “No Hannah, No mom!” Hannah is her 11-year-old sister. Then she will smash her fists into her head over and over again, then bang a table, laptop, anything close to her. She will start spitting at me and scream. She kicks me, hits me over and over again, all the while I am trying to protect her from hurting herself. She has smashed and destroyed a tv, fish tank, laptop, several doors, and has left several holes in the walls. Worse, she has literally chased her sister with the intent of hurting her. Hannah is literally scared of her sister! Hannah and I walk on eggshells and live in fear daily. Like Paul, the thought of putting her into a home kills me. But I know that one day she will seriously hurt me or someone else. I know my situation could be worse, but just for a short time, I would give almost anything to see what living a normal life with my other daughter was like.
In reply to melissa.
From your email it sounds like your 19 year old daughter knows you and your other daughter are afraid of her and uses that to her advantage. I would not show fear and maybe try too make yourself look like your still in charge and intimiate her by yelling more loudly then her or maybe try breaking some possesions in front of her like she does.
You also might want to try the complete opposite, ignore her completely and give the other daughter attention. These ideas sounds extreme but maybe they might work.
Also you might want to try therapy. Maybe have a therapist teach your daughter approp. ways to handle her anger depending on her level. Or try a rewards system. Every time she handles her anger in an appropriate manner reward her with a dollar.
Also being a teenager is not easy.Is there anyway you think she could be depressed? And have you tried medication?
I have a 20 year old son who has been going through a real tough time with aggression and I can relate to all of you out there! Yes it is very hard to deal with but, you do because of the love you have for your child no matter what age, and when they are non-verbal it is like there body grows but, they will never be able to tell you what is wrong or that they love you or anything that you want to hear from your child and yes we do tell these things to doctor’s or counsulor or anyone that could help in any way autisim is a very tough thing and I pray every day that we can find a breakthrough to help these children and adults. I thank God for all the parents that hang in there hopfully we can make a difference My heart goes out to all of you .
This is for Valerie….I wanted you to know that in reading your comment, you could have been describing my 13 year old son!! I sooooo understand what you are going thru, and at the same time, for lack of a better word, I am relieved to know that my Danny is not the only young man beating the snot out of his Mom! If you ever wanna talk, offer advice or anything, my email is theresa711@live.ca
My best friend’s son is a violent, 18-year old autistic. Like so many, he is huge. Like so many, he bites, hits and destroys things. He is on and off numerous meds and now medical marijuana. Nothing seems to work for very long to calm him down. I just looked at his Individualized Educational Plan from the special school he attends. The goals that are stated haven’t changed in the past 4 years. As I studied the IEP it dawned on me that no methods were identified to help him achieve the stated goals. Lip-service is being given to periodic assessments and planning. But when no progress is made, the school just copies last year’s IEP and puts a current date on it. It seems to me that all the planning in the world is meaningless if there is no way to implement the plan. We truly need a new direction. I’m impressed by the work of Matthew Israel in Massachusetts. He uses remote-activated electric shocks to control violent autistics. As might be expected, the do-gooders condemn such “cruelty” to “children.” (Yeah, 6′3″, 220 lb, hard-muscle child!) Nevertheless, if we can’t get some type of control, we won’t be able to modify behavior which is the key to getting these violent young people to be receptive to learning. BTW, I bought one of those joke pens that give shocks. Everyone else dropped the thing when triggered. Not this kid! He held it and grinned. Maybe electric shock is the key. Maybe we need to try a cattle prod. Even if something else is used, I maintain that what is termed “aversive therapy” is needed to control and train these violent young people.
My 22 year old son has autism and he is a gentle,loving soul. But when he hit puberty around age 11 all heck broke loose! But after finding the correct medication (risperdal) to correct his severe mood swings I got my sweet little boy back! He now lives in a group home and goes to a vocational center 5 days a week. He loves his “family”at the home and also spends time with his Mom and extended family. Hey, I’m almost 47 years old and if he wasn’t manageable then I couldn’t keep him by myself for a week at a time! But there is hope! Puberty can sometimes just really throw these guys for a loop!
My son is 21 and has been in a short term hospital unit since he was 18, I didn’t want him to have to go into hospital, he was sectioned and still is, but he has always been aggressive, and had got worse, from age 15 to age 18 I had him at home, I am a single parent and he was very hard work, but totally adorable, he is mostly non verbal, but capable of being very tender hearted and he loves his mum, whilst at home he almost drove me bonkers, he interacts non stop with me and is very obsessive and repetitive poking and expecting you to translate and talk for him constantly.
It broke my heart when he was put in hospital and we had some tough times till those apron strings were broken just a little, but although its a temporary place, there is no money in our area for young people like him, he is now very happy there and the staff adore him, he doesn’t get out a lot, but the staff do there best and he has made a lovely friendship with one of the other residents.
Today we had a blip, we had been to the cinema and were walkint to MacDonalds when lady I know stopped and spoke to me for a moment or two that was enough for hiim to get annoyed, he told me he wasnt’ happy, I was feeling confident enough to challenge him, and ended up being assaulted, its humiliating, I am 5 ft and he is 6ft people were horrified and so was I, I had planned to take him on holiday at the beginning of August and had booked a holiday, my dad is 83 and lives with me after today I know I can’t take the risk.
I feel so sad for my son and for me, I love going places with him yet at the same time his repetiveness and manipulative ways really upset me, autism is a terrible disorder.
When Paul was younger I tried to be firm etc, dealing with people with this disorder is so difficult and I am only relieved that he is not my full time responsiblity now, I wish you all well and know what a struggle you live daily and how brave and strong you are in your walk with your loved ones with autism
love and god bless
Allyson
My 19 year old son with autism is currently being treated by a new psychiatrist who is weaning him off his prescription meds and replacing them with large doses of mricronutrients. His perscrition meds (Risperdal and Luvox, then later addition of Seroquel) worked through puberty but lately had stopped becoming effective. His aggression was increasing both in frequency and intensity. The med change has been going on since Feb. with him now only receiving 25% of the perscription meds that he was on. So far, he isn’t any worse, and we know, at least, that he is not being exposed to the side effects of the anti-psychotics that he was taking. Two products recommended to us that have been nothing short of amazing are Inositol and Choline. We were recommended to use these on an “as needed” basis when either we think our child will become anxious and possibly aggressive or when he is in a full rage state. The Inositol is for situations when we think he might become or is beginning to become anxious and a combination of it and Choline are for when he is in a full aggressive meltdown. They are capsules that we open and give him in a spoonful of applesauce. Within 10 minutes of giving these to our son, he is smiling and calm. The improvement only lasts about an hour, but frequently is enough time for him to forget why he was upset. As is the cruel nature of autism, because they work for my son, does not mean they will work for all others, but if they might lessen the rage our children can show, you may want to try it. We found them at a natural food store that had a large supplement section. They were about $15 each.
Wow, I have alot of identification with the mother who have violent adult autistic sons. While my son has improved his aggression since being in residential for the past 5 yrs, he still has violent tendencies and it concernes me because he is coming back home full time. He is indeed a beautiful man, but when he sets off it can be very difficult.I am so glad to have found this article it goes to show me I am not alone. Although there is no solution there must be a way to make it better for them and for us, I would like to see more aritcles on that area.
I was angered by the previous comments over the denial of autisim and aggression!!! I am a scottish mother living in Belgium I have 3 children a 17yr old boy with ass, adhd and ocd a 14 yr old boy with ass and depression and thank God an 11yrold daughter with maybe a few tendencies that I don’t wish to bring for diagnosis. At this point I will also mention my husband a scientist although not diagnosed I can also say autistic!!
I am at the end of my tether……my oldest is the child of nightmares…I have always tried to care for him but has always had aggressive tendencies. None of my friends no the hell I am going through!!!We have been to psychiatrists since he was 6 yrs old only finally diagnosed at 12 yrs old.
I am so ashamed and blame myself I am feeling suicidal when the oldest goes off and there is no reasoning, I have been doing this for 17 years now…..and when the youngest hides in the wardrbe and the middle one goes of to hurt himself and my only option is to phone the police what do you do?
it is really hard living next to a autistic neighbor, she causes so many problems and constantly screams and gets stuck on the same subject and is now surrounding her property with fences… oh what a mess, its a lot of trouble and disfunction for a normal person to handle… and she hides the fact that she is autistic.. very hard situation to handle for me…
My daughter is now 19 and once she hit puberty the aggression started, and the Drs put her on risperdol and it calmed her down a for a couple of yrs, then it quit, they put her on other meds, made her worse, then they committed her to the hospital and we both cried for each other, she’s also blind and depends on me 100%. They kept her seeing ey cane from her and her plastic hanger that is a calming effect for her. During her 7 day stay she got worse and wouldn’t eat so I had to carry food to her that I knew she would eat. They finally let her come home and she chants that she cried herself to sleep. I researched about risperdol and discovered that I didn’t want her on any other Rxs anymore, she acted stoned. I immediately took her off of all meds and in 24 hrs she was awake and alert. She says, I feel good or I feel better. I kept a calender and discovered her problem is unbalanced hormones, so I researched herbs now that I don’t trust Drs. Vitex works great in balancing her hormones and making that time easier. Also her aggression is scratching and pinching me on the hands and arms and I slap her hands or arms and warn to put her in time out, she does not like time out because she knows that means she has done something bad. I give her hops (calms the nerves) and valerian root (relaxes and stops any pain) so far this works great to calm her down and I have many days that she is herself and very loveable, her key thing is she wants to be left alone, ie-get out of her room, she stays either in her room with the christian channel playing that she loves to listen to or her den (spare bedroom that I turned into her den) and either listens to the tv or the radio.
My son is now 18 – moderate autism. He began the aggressive behavior three years ago and has been on a series of anti-psychotics, anti-seizure and stimulant meds since that time (currently Geodon, Depakote and Adderall). I hate that he is on these meds, but I am so afraid to stop them. He is so violent, and he isn’t even that big – 140 lbs, 5′11″ (I am 140 lbs, 5′9″). I can no longer handle him. Our lives have been turned upside down. My husband and I are so stressed out. We are desperate! We are tired! Our hearts are breaking! Surely, there is an answer somewhere. The thought of having to go through this for the remainder of his life is horrifying. Good Lord, help us all!
Try Kava Kava Root, I bought the lowest dose and tried it on my daughter and she was so happy and calm, I have ordered the 30% and the elixer so I can give it to her only when she needs it. Hay, life is hard enough and I have to keep her completely calm, my hands and arms hurt when her aggression starts and I’m determined NOT to have her committed. Once was enough to know that is not good for her. Research the web for herbs to calm you down, Kava Kava relaxes the muscles and nerves, they describe it’s feeling like having a relaxing drink. Now we all know someone that is very relaxed after having a drink and if it stops my daughter from being violent, Bless God for creating these natural herbs, at least there aren’t harmful side effects like the man made garbage, yea medicaid doesn’t pay for it but vitacost.com and Kovakavafarm.com have really good prices.
I am the mother of a beautiful 13 yr old autistic daughter. I do not recognize her anymore. When she turned 10 yrs old its as if a monster took control of her and has left mass destruction everywhere. She once was a sweet innocent little girl that I could take anywhere. Her bedroom was so cute and decorated with Nemo and fishes everywhere. She has ripped and broken everything. I have spent thousands of dollars on clothing, bedding and much more. She broke her bedroom window, big screen t.v., car door handle. I’m glad she has not hurt herself or others. I could not find any help in my state, so I took her to a group home for kids. They kicked her out because they could not deal with her. Now I am stuck in the mess of it. She has living with her dad and I take her on the weekends sometimes. Everytime she comes with she treats us as if she hates us. My 8 yr old son is afraid of her. I hate that! We used to be a happy loving family. Now its just a nightmare when she is here. She has always lived with me, I just couldnt take anymore. I feel like such a horrible on one hand, but when I see my 8 yr old thriving for the first time, I know I made the right decision. Im thinking of telling her dad that I can’t take her anymore. She needs to get psychiatric help that unfortunately I have failed to provide her. I try to be an expert, but I’m not, I’m a mom.
I am the mom of an 18 yr. old non verbal very aggressive autistic child. He has been this way on and off his entire life. This last week was a nightmare. The full moon didnt help at all. His sleep is off as well, normally we go to bed at 1 but the past two weeks its been 2-5 am. I have to get up and be ready for work by 6:30. He punches, kicks, bits, slaps and will smach anything he can get his fists or feet to conect with. I don’t like the idea of trying meds because he is non verbal he can not tell me what the side effects are and I dont like that. The bottom line people is we are in this fight alone. Just us against the world of Autism. The thought of go thru the rest of our lives this way is enough to make any one open a vein. What do we do, where do we go from here. If you have noticed there is little to nothing out there on the internet in terms of what helps for our children when they become adults and putting them in homes will only get them abused and drugged out of their minds. Im tired and angry and just so done with all of it. Im not usually this upset but the last two weeks have been more than any one person should have to take and I am even considering telling the most amazing man I have ever met that I feel its better if we just didnt see each other. NO PERSON should ever have deal with this if they dont have too. My heart goes out to every single parent and caregiver of these children/adults…. I think this is as much as we can hope for. I do alot of praying and keep looking for something that will make a difference. GOD LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Her “sperm donor” and his family does nothing to help. I’m on my own, my Daddy will sit with her for me to go to the store but his health has been bad and made him weak and I just can’t let him sit with her anymore, my BFF has been the sister I always wished I had, I can write a list and she will go to the store and get our groceries and anything else we need. I have not left our home with her in 5 mos now. So far Hops will calm her nerves so I give it to her first thing each morning, then a valerian root at lunch and 2 at bedtime to keep her calm and help her sleep, she has great days but at a drop of a hat she will scream or suddenly pinch or scratch me. I cut her nails every Sunday. I really miss getting in my vehicle and US going to the grocery store or the store and shopping, getting what we need together. But now, I’m almost always on edge and waiting. I’ve seen Kava Kava root calm her soooo nicely, but it was not strong enough to last, so I’ve ordered it from Vitacost.com cause they have a dose that is stronger and I’m waiting for it to be shipped so I can try it. The elixer from Kava farms is good and works fast but it does not last too long, I want to have at least 5 hrs of calm behavior, these pills are suppose to be strong enough and the waiting is driving me crazy, if they work and if that’s all I have to give her, I will surely stock up on them like I have on valerian and hops. I even take valerian to relax my muscles to stop the pulled muscle pain and hops to calm my nerves, so I know how well they are working on her, I just wish she could talk to me like normal, we have our own little way of communicating. I pray daily and hope one day, the right thing will keep her calm and we can be back to “normal” again. At least I had 16 yrs of calm.
I am so sad, because my adopted Autistic son just turned 19 yrs. old today. He doesn’t understand why his siblings or the world didn’t stop to celebrate his birthday and give him an abundance of presents. My husband and I are 54 yrs. old and we are very tired without any asistance with our son. We are looking towards the future to set him up, but I don’t think anything that we do will be good enough……I am sorry I can’t continue.
I sit here crying knowing I am not alone. My 20 year old son is usually wonderful. But on occassion he will just go off. “Kill mama” is what he likes to tell me. I have been attacked while driving the car from the back seat, lunged at, hit, and bitten. He is now 6′1 and 245 lbs. Incredibly strong. Valerie, Im there with you. I dont have real knives or forks in my house anymore for fear he will use them. Those of you that havent lived through this have no idea how isolated it makes a parent feel. I have raised him with no help, and done my very best. I too have thought of a cattle prod. It would probably be more humane than having to fight him off like I do now. This didnt happen until puberty and until he too was locked in a shower room by an aide at school.
I am glad I ran across this site, I like you feel very alone. I have a daughter that is 15 1/2 years old, she suffers from High Functioning Autism/Asperger’s. She goes on rampages too, over every little thing, she didn’t start this until puberty either, and since I had her in this horrible school, that dragged her through the hallway on her knees. The only way she can get an education is with me homeschooling her. She doesn’t really scratch or bite, but she will scream “Help Police” at the top of her lungs if she doesn’t feel we are being fair to her, because doesn’t always get her way. With my daughter she is very verbal, but she processes slow and she wants to be like everyone else,but her behavior stands in the way. I am thinking of putting her in assisted living when she is an adult, because at times it gets very exhausting trying to always calm her down before she explodes, you can only live like that so long, and then it takes it’s toll…
I am the older sibling (10 year age difference) of an adult with higher-functioning autism – he’s 21 now. Not so ironically, I am also a social worker employed at an agency that serves autistic children and adults (school, day habilitation and residential), so I am both personally and professionally connected to this issue. When he was younger, my parents were very diligent about sticking to behavior plans, providing reinforcement, etc, but now that he’s “an adult” it seems like they just allow him to run rough-shod over everyone else in the interest of keeping his temper in control. It is extremely frustrating as a sibling, particularly because I know that I will be his primary caregiver one day and will have to deal with his behavior myself. He used to be on a stimulant med (different through the years) and an ssri (zoloft I think) and visited a therapist regularly, but ever since my mom’s gotten on the biomed bandwagon, all that has stopped – the solution to all his nasty behavior is now getting his supplements readjusted.
Continued… sorry for the long post!
Last week we went on Christmas vacation as a family (my folks, two brothers and my husband) – it was completely tiresome after the first day due to my youngest bro’s behavior. He has a permanent scowl on his face, yells and sulks if he doesn’t get his way in every situation (including the smallest of details), hits things at the slightest provocation, does not allow anyone else to joke or laugh without getting angry, and generally behaves just plain rudely.
I understand that my brother has autism and that his mind works differently, but man, where do you draw the line? We have adults in our programs that are SEVERELY autistic, non-verbal, severely self-injurious, etc that are able to follow a simple routine because our staff applies consistent rules and reinforcement. They are not allowed to do whatever they please – whether they are an adult or not is irrelevant. Anyway, I know this is long, but I am just so frustrated by the situation and don’t know how to discuss it with my parents without getting “preachy” and making them defensive.
Thanks for this thread, it’s helpful to see…
I know that most people dealing with autistic teens may not see violent out burst . I will tell you this, that they can only see the good until they are put in a situation with an autistic person who has attacked them, grabbing them by the neck and biting them or tearing of the door and throwing it at them orpickingup a60 lb chair and throwing it and this is with no sights of agression. My heart goes out to this mother. People that talk a out this like you did something worry have never had to deal with this on a daily base.
Happy New Year to all,
It is extremely difficult to deal with an autistic child. My son is now 17 and going through Puberty. He tells me that when he turns 21 he is going to start dating and move out to be by himself. He also wants to drive and work. Whenever he tell me this, I do not know what to say because in my heart I know he will never live a “NORMAL” LIFE. I always tell him that will see what happens that we will take it day by day. He sometimes gets violent when he doesn’t get his way. I have to calm him down and talk to him nice. I have been giving him natural remedies and I have seen big improvements. He is taking vitamin b-12,calcium,magnezium,fishoil and vitamin c. Many doctors have prescribed meds but I NEVER gave them to him. I will do whatever it takes for my son to have a so call “normal” life. My heart goes to all parents with kids/adults with Autism. God bless you all.
Sonia
I am so glad to find this article and set of comments. My son is 20 and we have dealt with aggression and violent behaviors most of his life. Many medications and therapies have been tried and I am at the end of my despair. He reacts the worst with me; threatening to kill or shoot me. I wish he would most of the time now. He can never be left alone as he is very dangerous or will disappear. I do not know where to turn for help. The waiting list for group homes are several years long. I pray he doesnt kill someone or himself before then. I can’t continue on this path
I’m in an ER right now and a woman was brought in because she was driving erratically and was pulled over. Her severely autistic adult son was in the car with her, turns out she was injured by him earlier; he hit her in the head with a hammer, and he has done this before while she is sleeping. She’s here, he is in psych ward. While she was being examined, she told the staff he RAPED her last night. I feel sick over it.
It’s what I have always feared, autistic children make for violent adults. How can we, as a society, protect ourselves and our children from them? I feel for these parents who feel they have to take all the violence and abuse. These individuals cannot and will never be able to be mainstreamed, they must be kept in a controlled enviroment for everyone’s protection. Something must be done to protect these parents, it seems like they are in a very vulnerable situation. I wonder how many years can one put up with this abuse, before one can no longer have the strength to handle it anymore. prayers go out to all of you having to deal with this situation, and please don’t forget to consider your safety and the safety of your other children as the utmost in inportance.
i have a friend, who is a mother to and autistic 5 year old, who has violent outbursts, just this evening he hit her and knocked the wind out of her, he is increasing in size and strength, she was sobbing, feels her family, marriage is falling apart, guilty that her other 2 children have to endure his violence. I went online, looking, so I could understand, hoping I wouldn’t find what I found here……sobbing, i see her life in the years to come, i fear for her safety, as I know she will not put him in a home….I haven’t seen his rages, but have heard them, he is such a smart little guy, and so sweet, but he can turn so quickly, after reading these comments, i not only pray for her every day, but for all of parents, and caregivers of autistic children
I am the mother of a 26 year old autistic man. My son was a challenge for my husband and I since the day he was born. Like many of you commenting, we have had our share of violent outbursts to get through. As a child, my son was non-verbal, highly agitated and prone to tantrums. With good special needs classes we experienced a period of calm and apparent positive growth from age 10-13. The shift to high school seemed to trigger an abrupt change. He refused to go to school but was miserable at home with me. He quickly became violent and unmanageable. His younger brother and I were the usual targets and like many of you, there was no obvious trigger. It was necessary for us to seek outside help and eventually he was placed in foster care. For the next 8 years, he lived in care and was able to make good progress with the right support in the school system and a very helpful psychiatrist. The only med. he used in those years was an anti-anxiety drug and it seemed to work. Feeling positive about the new direction his life was taking, we prepared for his return to our hometown to live in a newly built group home that promised to meet the needs of an autistic 21 year old. I’m sad to say that he never fully adapted to this new home and over the next three years his agression and violent outbursts increased. He would ‘trash’ a room in the house, scare the other residents and lash out at any worker who tried to intervene. He has since been moved three times, damaged lots of private property, had the police called multiple times and even been hospitalized twice. On one hospital trip, an on-call Doctor pllaced him on powerful psychotropic drugs for ‘manic depression’. He has never been diagnosed properly with this disorder. We are tired, worried and so uncertain about his future. We love our son dearly, but we no longer know him the way we once did. I wish for some peace of mind one day.
I am the younger sister of an autistic 24 year old man. Now he is 6 ft and 170 lbs. He can throw my dad, who is 250 lbs, with ease. He has caused permanent damage to my elbow and to various places on my mother. His violence probably started about four years ago, but he would only hurt himself. Now he has no problem hurting himself, my family, or even a complete stranger. My father refuses to “lock him up” as he puts it. Also, I am terrified that he has caused himself brain damage from slamming his head so mych…almost daily. He had been at a facility for three or four months, and was brought back home. Now he is even worse. This is not the facilities fault, he actually was nicer for a week. My mom has had knee surgery and has many other serious health issues. Just recently, he bruised her entire chest and split his head open, throwing himself on the floor. My mom calls me, terrified, telling me that she loves me every time he acts up, like its the last time I will speak to her. I can’t even return home after my college quarter is over because just seeing him turn a corner makes me jump. I am waiting for the call that he has become so violent that my mother is dead. To those of you who want us to “talk to a therapist” you should be ashamed of yourself. To you other families I greatly share your pain. And if anyone has any suggestions as to what my mother can do please feel free to email, bishopervc@gmail.com. Best of luck to you other families.
My son is 17. He has had violent behaviors his whole life. They have greatly decreased over the years, but when he explodes it is scary and uncontrollable. He has had the best early intervention services since he was 2 years old. He has a one to one aid most of his life in school and in the home. From the age of 2-4 he would go from 3-5 weeks without any sleep at all. The only support I could get from State workers was donations of mattresses to drill in his walls. At four my body collapsed from exhaustion and he was hospitalized, I found a lawyer to take his case pro-bono and he was sent to the May Center in Mass. He stayed for one year with little improvement with his behaviors, he learned a lot academically. I resisted meds when he was younger because they slowed him down and I felt he needed to be more alert for learning..He is non-verbal also. He returned home and I had five aids in the home, it lasted 6 months and he went out of state again. We lived in Maine and no services were available. He did go into emergency foster care for 5 months but went through 13 homes before the state realized they were not equipped to handle him. Being a loud advocate for my son, I was on the news and another family was also interviewed, they too also had their son transferred out of state because of his behaviors. I contacted them in the local phone book and we created a group home for the both of them. My son was ten and needed 2:1 aides 24/7 because he was so violent. After he dislocated another women’s neck I decided to put him on medication.
continued…We moved to Georgia in 2003, he managed to kick out every window in our home, he was with us for three years. I have two other younger daughters and our home was a war zone. My husband and I met the governor with our son and explained we had waited for services (a medicaid waiver) for three years and were perfectly alright with leaving him there with the governor because we needed a break. We were ready to go to jail for abandonment. The state found emergency respite immediately. His waiver was issued in one month. Nobody in Georgia would do residential care because he was a minor child. We found one provider and Kevin had his own apartment for three years. He does so much better on his own, provided he has 24/7 supervision because it makes him feel safe. Kevin returned back home when the provider could no longer financially care for Kevin. 90% of the time he is so easy, he has a lot of independent skills, he can cook, wash and dry clothes, he loves fishing, bowling and horse back riding, swimming. But at least once a month he blows up around the full moon. I was trained never to have fear with him in order to care for him whether he was with me or not. I have always maintained close contact with him even when he wasn’t in the home. Kevin assaulted me last month and I got scared and showed him that fear for the first time, I knew it was over. My life past before my eyes, he is 6′1″ and 220 pounds. He wouldn’t let me go. He is unaware of what he is doing and is capable of killing me or someone else. My husband has wrestled with him many times to prevent himself from kicking out a window, hurt himself, or others in the home. The sherriff’s department was called when he attacked me and they had a difficult time with him. He was taken to the ER and then sent to a psych hospital where he stayed for one week. We refused to pick him up because of our safety in the home.
part three….We were forced to pick him because I am his provider now with his medicaid waiver and employ an aid in our home. I have tried many times to care for my son in our home but I am convinced this is not God’s will for us. He is meant to live on his own with supervision. I have a tremendous amount of guilt because I cannot offer my other children the attention they need. My nerves are raw as we wait for a placement to another woman’s home where he will move too. I pray he has a smooth transition and continues to be successful. He has learned so many self-control coping skills over the years and I beleive he will continue to learn more. Our family needs to have a safe home, for him and us. My heart breaks each time I surrender my ability to care for him. This will be our fifth time separating and not living together. Each time I take him back, I hope that he has outgrown his behaviors and learned more skills but it eventually becomes unsafe again and again. I know that most people here still have their children at home with them. I desperately need to talk with other families who have had to place their child outside the home to keep their family and child safe. I have a lot of support for myself because I am in recovery, but nobody I knows understands the grief I have going through these separations. I am comforted knowing that I am only his parent and that he is truly God’s child first and I continually need to give him back. He is meant to touch a lot of lives, because he is so angelic, he has such a beautiful smile and sense of humor. I know I cannot be greedy with his gifts. My heart and prayers go to all of you who live with autism.
last and final part…For years when he was young I fought for a cure, I then learned to embrace and love his autism. I have since learned that I became addicted to his autism…Being around him, I feel closer to God…the pain I also go through brings me closer to God also. Because of Kevin I pray more also. I beleive that Kevin is also addicted to me because I trigger him more than anyone else. He demands my attention 24/7 and when he doesn’t get it, he gets angry. Gerald May wrote that anthing that restricts your freedom is an addiction. We both restrict each other trying to be something that we are not. I am so tired trying to be everything he needs when he needs so much more than what I or our family can provide. We all have more freedom when he is on his own. Our family does too. It is not easy trusting others to care for your child. I have had my share of issues. Kevin has attacked and hurt other women care givers because they also get attached to him and want to care too much for him, he refuses to be mothered AT ALL! Raising a child with autism, we are blessed to understand another side of life that has yet to be explored. We are called to be a part of God’s world through the experience of autism. Their hearts are so pure. I have learned so much from him, how to be intuitive, more sensitive, boundaries, and the deepest most unconditional love there is. my email is lovemiracles@ymail.com. Please email me. We need to be the extended families and community that we all need. Sorry so long.
My son at 12 had become so violent that I flinched whenever he made a quick movement. The long list of aggression, self-injurious behavior and destruction of property happened frequently every day. Although my son was smaller than these men, I lived in fear wondering what I would do when he was larger and stronger. All my searching in the traditional medical community provided absolutely no answers. I was stunned because I too had sought out and provided all the recommended therapies for my son. So what happened?
I did find an answer. It was neurotherapy or neurofeedback that actually balances the childs brain so they become more tolerant, their moods become stable, more attentive, etc. Now 3 years later, my son’s aggression is almost a thing of the past. We see an episode approximately once a week but it is greatly reduced both by intenstity and duration. I have every hope that we will get there eventually.
Parents with violent children. Don’t miss this one! It’s not well-know and hard to find providers. This website has the best descriptions and links…. http://www.centerforbrain.com/
Judy,
If taken long term, the drug, Risperdal, can cause Parkinson”s disease.
I so grateful to the brave women in these stories – my HF ASD boy is 15 yrs old and so far it is only the house he punches but I live in fear of the day he will as I know he will turn on whoever is closest to him at the time. I know my son is in pain and in spite of all my experience and qualifications as a child psychologist can find no answer to this problem. Social services and Governments know of regressive Adolescence autism but hide it away from those people who need to know about it – the parents of teenager/young adult ASD’s! These same officials refuse to help and provide support, training and a future for these children. Society has failed them and it will come back to haunt them!
:’( my heart is broken.
I’ve just spent the last hour recovering from a mild temper re my 15yo son with low level autism and low level ADHD. These stories are heart breaking and I can relate to all of them. We are lucky though, if we are very, very placid and non responsive, we can diffuse a situation.
Two weeks ago, I lost my temper and waded into a situation that could have been avoided. The result was utter carnage and violence from both of us, with both of us ending up battered and bruised.
Tonight, I got my reward! After being abused verbally and having a hole punched in my kitchen wall, I got out of the area ASAP. Ten minutes later, I got a smile and he asked me if I had any dinner money for tomorrow at school. He had calmed down and everything was fine!
That makes three weeks now since an all out attack. We do need therapy though. We both see a psychiatrist every month to work on strategies, but above all to be able to talk things through a third person to avoid direct conflict – and its works! There is a noticeable difference when the therapy stops.
Granted, I will probably have to maintain a very close relationship with this guy for the rest of my life. That means the next 40 years spent living in fear, walking on eggshells, having bouts of depression, being judged by outsiders, having expensive posessions smashed to pieces, having bouts of drinking too much alcohol, but I don’t care! Yes, there are times when we listen to things being broken whilst we sit and literally shake with fear. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s why I’m here on this Earth. There is noone else to do the job of looking after him, and I do it with pleasure.
However, if things were just that little bit worse, I would probably want to run away and leave the country.
i have a 16yr old son with cerebral palsy.are there any answers out there please to violent behaviour.he has bitten,pulled hair,thrown his baby brother of 2yr to the ground and his sister of 5yr and me.cant cope anymore.
Dear Valerie I sympathize what you are going through. My 13 year old son is experiencing a very difficult time as well. But, my husband and I have a lot of faith that this is in GOD’s hands and he will take care of this!!! All I can suggest is for you to pray and ask others to pray for your son and family. We must remember that your son is GOD’s creation and you will survive and conquer with GOD on your side! He loves you very dearly and you MUST believe that!! PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!!
I am the mother of seven beautiful children, my 12 year old son is autistic (number six). We have had violent episodes off and on throughout his life, and on occasion attacking me. Just lately, as puberty has taken hold his behavior has gotten worse and although he has not hurt anyone so far there are days that are trying for all of us who share space with him, His father and I have become increasingly worried about his violent outburst. In desperation We like so many parents have researched, read every scrap of information we could get our hands on, seen a pantheon of doctors, and just plain reached out. Yet the world of Autism is such a hard world to understand. For those of us with autistic children there is a lack of support.
I sympathize with those parents who are living with children who are overly aggressive whether they be autistic or “normal”. Every person has their breaking point.
However I am discussed by many of these post, cattle prods really people? Many people without autistic children and a few with autistic children speak about them as if they are monsters, less than animals, as if they should just be put down like a mad dog. But let’s face facts, people like Mussolini, Hitler, the Columbine Shooters, The Bullies of the world, Wife beaters, Gangbangers and serial killers are not Autistic! How would they feel if their sweet beautiful baby suddenly turned violent? Would they pat their sons on the back? Would they advocate that he be put down? Would they love him less? Would he stop being their child? The difference is that my son has a brain stutter that none of us fully understand what is the excuse for all those “normal” children who kill who are violent?
I empathize with those who have had to deal with this issue, I know how scary it can be to have anybody charge you meaning you harm much less your own child, I know the rush of emotions that hit you the feelings of helplessness, the need to protect yourself yet you ask how can I fight my own child. I know the shame and guilt that we as parents go through how easy it is to blame ourselves, and how easy it is for for others to look at us and blame us too. Mothers often carry the brunt of not only the self-blame but tend to be targets when our children lash out. I have been a part of 5 teenage lives, all “normal” children, yet when they have a tantrum it is me not their father that bears the brunt of their anger. Why? not because I am soft or female, but the answer is simple because in the end I am MOM and I will hold them and love them, and always forgive them. It is simply the way our society is set up. Why should it be any different for autistic children? Again the answer is simple if you cannot handle it, put your child with others who can. No judgment attached like I said earlier we all have our breaking point.
For those who advocate cattle prods, who are convinced that Autistic children become violent adults, that there is no way to mainstream them, and must be kept in controlled environments, I attach all the judgment in the world may your own personal Hell be a controlled environment with cattle prods!!!
Educate yourselves advocate for understanding purse training for yourselves, families, community, schools, and doctors. Woe to our societies who fail even the smallest of our citizens. Be the change you wish to see.
There are 4 autistic children in my family. I have two boys and my daughter has a boy and girl with autism.
My older son (30) John has self-abusive outbursts so badly that I almost wish he was hitting me instead. He will slap himself in the head until it wears out. There is absolutely nothing I can do about this. If I interfere, he will push me across the room and then hit himself even more. Sometimes giving him a sedative before hand will alleviate this and sometimes it won’t. It is truly heartbreaking and I believe he picked up this behavior when he was younger in school. I think we enabled it when he was young by getting too upset over it and giving in to whatever he wanted.
My younger son has High level Autism and has great restraint when it comes to temper. I home-schooled him for most of his early years and then he went to a small, very quiet school for high school where everything was based on rewards. He is a happy and wonderful person.
My granddaughter is only aggressive sometimes, but she gets no attention for it so it is infrequent. My grandson, on the other hand is very aggressive towards my daughter, sometimes toward his siblings, often in school, but never ever toward me. I have never given in to him, even once. I think I learned my lesson with my older son of what giving attention for bad behavior can lead to. My grandson knows I have rules and that he will only be rewarded for good behavior. I know this doesn’t work with every child, but at least it does with him.
My heart goes out to everyone being beaten up by their autistic children. But if you have a young child with autism, remember that they will learn habits easily – they are great copiers. If they see another child performing a habit that gets them attention, they will do it as well. Don’t give up on your child.
My very sweet and normally very happy 23 year old Autistic son w/ ring 22nd chromosome. He is non verbal. He uses a communication device on an ipad2 which is going well. four years ago his mom passed away very unexpectedly and it’s been he and I ever sense w/ a day program and very support help. I am very thankful for that. Recently he has started screaming and looking at though he just saw a ghost. It started very suddenly and would happen a couple of times each morning. it’s clearly upsetting to him, because when he stops screaming his chin quivers and he tears up. It just breaks my heart to have in fear anything. Everyone loves him completely and completely support him in every way. This is just heart breaking to see him this way, and not be able to do anything to make it go away. Any suggestions ? – Thank you
I would like to leave my email address too so that if anyone would like to chat. feel free. TimWard04401@roadrunner.com
Tim, is there any chance it could be a seizure of some sort? Might be worth asking a neurologist about. There’s a list of sites at http://specialchildren.about.com/od/seizuresandepilepsy/bb/SDresources.htm that have information about different types of seizures that might also be helpful.
I too have a 19 year old autisic/mild M.R./mild C.P. son he can become extremely violent. he stands 5ft10 over 200lbs, strong as a bull, we(family,case workers) have told him you don’t scare me or you don’t hurt me so he will stop. Anything can set him off, is he tired, hungry, bored, unhappy?? Who knows he is somewhat verbal, he understands basic commands and he knows what he is doing is wrong.It seems like he is in a trance of some sort when he becomes aggressive, meds hekp a little, but have not been able to find a behavioral specialist to help. I do not want him in a group home now i do not feel he is ready. HELP!!!
I’m concerned about the parent using Kava Kava as a sedative because it has been shown to cause liver failure. It is absolutely not true that supplements and herbs can’t cause harm. Plants aren’t trying to help us–they’re trying to defend themselves against predators by tasting bad or making predators sick.
http://nccam.nih.gov/news/alerts/kava/
If you really want to continue using unregulated products (which may even contain undisclosed prescription medications), please make sure your daughter’s doctor knows she’s using them. That way, you and your doctor can watch for early signs of liver problems and do liver function tests.
I have 21 year old autisic son who can be as sweet as candy, but he can become aggressive.He has beat up my husband and my self,he has broken several TV,s and computers,punch holes in wall.He is on the maxium dose of medication,and has a few visit to the hospital.What do you do? I know it has to be something to help these people.
What are we to do? My son is 18…is there anyone, any place, anywhere that can HELP?
Rose, can friends help? Can you talk to anyone — someone you can “vent” to? I visit this site because my best friend’s son is violently aggressive. He is now 20. I have offered to stay with the young man so my friend can have a break. He almost always declines because he is scared to death that I will be injured. On the few occasions I have stayed, my friend’s absences were very brief because of his concern. That is not helpful to him at all. Yes, I know that “talk” is not a cure, but if it can give YOU a break — just to know that someone empathizes — maybe that is enough to see you through another day.
And, like everyone writing here, there HAS TO BE a solution to autism; there just HAS to be!
I have a 38 yo autistic step son who is very violent. We kept him as long as we possibly could (his father and mother are not in great health). Last year we had him placed in a small group home. We had decided to do this now versus later because we wanted to be able to monitor the transition and his progress. There have been ups and downs. We nolonger get beat up when there is coughing. He would become violent with even a throat clearing. His is more violent at the home because of the rotating staffing that is so unfortunate in this kind of living situation. 2 of his 4 bedroom walls have been replastered more times than I can count. Our ongoing issue is nail cutting. Lots of luck with that one. 2 clonopin and 4 diazapan (physician’s ordered amount) put him to sleep but as soon as we touched his feet he was a raging bull. There was no holding him down or even him going back to sleep. The good thing though, is he did not hit us. Has anyone else gotten that problem solved? I am going to call a podiatrist and see if he can be sedated (proprophyl) and then get them cut.
Hi everyone, I have a 14 year old son with autism that is very aggressive at times. All your stories are similar to mine and I cried reading all of your posts. My son was a normal 2 year old talking and everything until he received 5 immunizations at one time. The very next day he stopped talking and was a different child. The shots do contain mercury so I believe that all people that have autism have mercury poisoning. The statistics now are 1 of every 110 children have autism. That’s too many. Children receive more shots today than they ever did before so that’s a lot of people with mercury poisoning. This mercury settles in the organs especially the brain making an individual very aggressive. Look up Mad-hatters disease. Very similar to autism!!!! I’m working on getting the mercury out of him. The only natural thing out there is cilantro. I just started giving it to him on a regular basis but I have heard that it is a very long process to get the mercury out. I pray for easier lives for everyone that has an autistic child.
I am sitting here balling my eyes out because my 7 year old son has recently become extremely violent and today he really beat me up. He scratched my face while ripping a huge chunk of hair out of my head then proceeded to slap my face until I pushed him away and started crying, now he’s in his room biting himself and crying, this is so sad, I don’t know what to do to get these behaviors to stop.
i am mother of 20 year old autism daughter…i try everything calm her down and she on medicines for it..but it dont seem to help and i called the doctor and told him make her an appt see another doctor for her outburst crying biting and hiting us and herself….if anyone has any good advice feel free to write me at lowery.lynn@rocketmail.com thanks and god bless
I have two autistic sons: one is eight and the other one is six. My six year old is pretty good to handle but my eight year old is much more severe. He is nearly my height (he comes to my shoulders) and weighs 80 pounds. He has the worst violent moods swings that I have ever seen. He has put holes in my wall, I have had black eyes and he has injured his younger brother and older sister. I have taken him to therapies and he is on medicine (Vyvanse), but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to have to put him into a home at his young age. At the same time, I don’t want him to keep hurting us either. He is extremely strong and it is SO hard to calm him down when he has these “fits”. I am considering moving to another state so that I can get more help for him. Please, if anyone knows of some programs in Georgia or North Carolina, please share. Many thanks!
And here I thought I was alone! My son is 21 now and all hope of him “growing out of” the aggression has vanished. I too have not put him in a group home where I’m afraid he’ll end up so medicated as to be drooling. Giving him his space and trying my best to use visual cues and schedules helps. I’ve learned autistics like things to be predictable. Life is definitely NOT ALWAYS pedictable and glitches happen. I’ve long since given up on looking for the trigger. I pretty much know when I’m going to get it now. My son was removed from the school and put in an isolated setting to finish out his public education. Someone above wrote, “I’m afraid he/she’s going to kill me.” Basically, I’m more afraid I’m going to do myself in because there seems to be no more hope left for a semblance of a life. And the CONSTANT thoughts that I have failed him along the way and am failing him now. We are totally isolated. I’m 51 and did not end up with what I dreamed of having in life. I hide the bruises from my family. They have tried to “intervene” and get me to look at “getting rid” of my son. (When they get rid of one of their kids I’ll consider it.) Medication does help my son but be careful, medications can also cause outbursts. It messes with the dopamine and stuff in the brain. Nobody has come up with a medication to stop the aggression altogether without turning the kid into a zombie and I have wasted years trying med after med. I am SO GLAD I found this forum here and all of you who have shared your grief. Aggressive Autistics do love back. They do love us, their parent, and depend on us and deep down we know that. It’s just not enough to keep us sane. They think we’re insane!! That’s the problem! A big hug to all of you!!
I have spent the entire evening feeling so alone. Thanks for all your stories. I am recovering from my son’s outburst this evening. The bruises from the last one were just starting to heal. He has autism and at 13, he is over 6 feet tall and 200 lbs. There are pieces bitten out of my arms and hands and my breast and stomachs full of red bruises. His much smaller twin brother tried to get him off of me and got bit in the process. I sent him out of the room so he would not get hurt any further. My husband left us and a divorce is in the works. I am just coming out of a deep year long depression. I am really bothered by the comments I see on some blogs suggesting that as parents we are not doing enough. The truth is most of us have tried it all. God knows, when it comes to our kids we are often superhuman. We need support. We need an arm around our shoulder. We do not need judgement. We do not need dismissive, uneducated lectures.
I started reading these comments looking for insight into these very special kids who can be very aggressive and violent at times. I am a special education teacher and I have 7 kids in my class, there are 14 in our unit. Two kids in particular are very aggressive and this can often lead to us getting hurt as teachers and sometimes other students geeting injured. Having worked with these kids for the last 10 years I have tryed everything I know. I have recently completed a masters in Autism and still I am having trouble getting to the bottom of these kids. One of our kids will be tiggered when he feels there is an injustice, he can retell you all the steps he can take to calm himself but when he is in the middle of a meltdown all that knowledge goes out the window and he becomes very aggressive. He will attack staff and students. When he has calmed down he can tell you all the things he could of done, but is not able to do this at the time. The other student becomes violent and aggressive up to 20 times a day. More often than not we can not work out the trigger. He is very violent and more often that not someone gets hurt daily. It is heart breaking to see these kids lose sooo much control. Both are beautiful kids. As I said we have done everything we know to do. School should be a fun, learning environment and for the other 12 it is. From what I have read it seems there may be nothing we can actually do otehr than support these kids the best we can.
My beautiful 9 year old boy (diagnosed with autism/PDD) has terrorized his little brother and I for years…punching, kicking, head-butting, pulling hair, digging his nails into us and not letting go, spitting on us, cursing, suicidal, throwing furniture and trying to break tvs, throwing heavy objects at us, breaking windows, trying to jump out of our car while I’m driving, punching me and pulling my hair while I’m driving, etc. It’s so overwhelming and scarier as he gets older/bigger. I’ve considered medication but won’t do it due to the crazy side-effects. So tired of dealing with school personnel who just don’t get it. Tired of being judged and rejected by other “perfect” parents with “normal” children who successfully participate in sports, etc. So glad to read the other comments on this site and know that we’re not the only ones struggling out here. We’re just taking it one day at a time and trusting that God will help us through this and help my little guy mature and make better choices as he gets older.
I have lived this with my just-turned -10 ASD son. We spent year’s spinning our wheels with inept “experts” who didn’t know how to deal with serious aggression in ASD or who weren’t willing to advocate for the level of intense treatment he needed. We finally found an amazing team of ABA professionals who were restraint trained (with a clear understanding of human rights and appropriate use of restraint). He has had 12 hours per day of double staffing from trained and well supervised ABA staff, same team at home and school. After having been kicked out of schools in three states (including one locked unit at a psych hospital) because of the severity of his aggression, he has now been safe at school since October and safe at home since February.
We’re not out of the woods yet, but what he needed was an intensive naturalistic behavior program WITH teaching of replacement skills that addressed his deficits (which due to high verbal IQ were often overlooked by teachers). My spouse has stopped wearing shin guards! I dealt with so many incompetent people who either minimized the issue or completely wrote him off (actually the routine was to minimize, then when presented with the behaviors, dump him). I was really scared that we would not be able to keep him at home due to safety.
All I can say is keep looking for competent people, particularly bcbas, and keep advocating for appropriate services. Don’t let people shame you because your kid has aggression. It is part of the disorder and needs treatment. My son felt so badly about hurting people, and believed that he’d end up in jail. Now he is imagining a future for himself–he wants to cure Alzheimer’s. I hope someday he will, and we will all benefit from the fact that we didn’t let them write him off.
Strength goes out from me to those who are living this. You’re heroes.
Okay great. So I am not alone. Now what. Yahoo group anyone? It seems as if most of us have at least a decade’s worth of experience dealing with this nightmare. I have been through the conventional bull of drug cocktails. Now I am using diet and supplements and they are helping. But I am no where near any kind of livable compromise. If you want to connect, share, and or build a support network. Email me: inasy1973@gmail.com
Iots of hugs to each and every one who has been there and done that.
I am a special education teacher who works with individuals with autism and other developmental disabilities. I also have a 9 year old cousin diagnosed with autism who has been kicked out of school on several occasions for aggression towards adults and other children. As parents, what would you like to see happen with your children in the school setting, is there something that the school districts can be doing better? Would you attend a parent support group at your child’s school if it was offered? Thank you for any input you have.