How much of their own decision-making should children get to do? That's a tough question for parents, isn't it, especially parents of children whose special needs may make good decisions particularly hard to come by. On the one hand, structure and firm limits are important; on the other, a little flexibility and careful decision-offering can sometimes head off a meltdown. On the one hand, we do our research and know our stuff and are certain of the direction our children need to go, whether they like it or not; on the other, we do hope that they might be able to walk independently at some point, and will they have a clue what to do?
I got to thinking about this today after seeing an article in the U.K. Telegraph accusing parents of "abdicating their responsibility" by letting children in on the decision-making process. Usually I'm on the too-lenient side in tsk-tsk articles like this one, but in this case I'm a believer that sometimes adults just need to tell kids what to do. Case in point: My daughter has been in the high-school marching band for four years, periodically against her will. I've decided that she needs to be there because it offers a ton of organized time with other kids, and when your biggest problem is trying to learn social speech, long periods of time with your peers is what you need. Sometimes she begs to quit, and other times she cries because the season is almost over and she's going to miss it so much. There is a degree to which even teenagers don't know what they want. And so I'm always amazed when parents say, "Oh, my child went to one day of band camp and didn't like it, so I said he could quit." That's not an option I've offered.
I didn't give her a choice years ago when I switched her from self-contained special-ed to inclusion, even though until fairly recently she's said she would have preferred to stay in her safe small classroom. I didn't give my son a choice, either, when we mainstreamed him a little this year. Other things, less important things, I've left some leeway for. There have been clubs and activities tried and dropped after a responsible sample time. I try not to be a tyrant; I try to listen and learn. And I'm a big fan of decision-making on small things; there are multiple ways to do a lot of the things that fill our days, and that's a good place to practice a little self-determination.
The downside of making the big decisions, of course, is that you get the big blame. Those folks who figure they'll let their kid fail and learn have got a good gig. Blame it on the young ones with the developing brains! Yeah! For my kids, anyway, the consequences of a bad decision are too big. It's part of my job to tote that guilt, take that blame. The things we do for our dear ones.
How much do you let your kids decide, and how much do you dictate? What would your kids say if asked that question? Share your thoughts in the comments.
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