Oh, my. One of the Twitterers I follow, Shannon Rosa, linked today to a post that shows how far we are from real autism awareness -- awareness of what autism looks like, for one, and an awareness of why it might cause a child to exhibit behavior that seems intolerable, but is in fact deserving of compassion. You can read that post on the blog Smockity Frocks [or not; the post has since been removed, but you can still see a cached version pdf version on Google], but I kind of wish I hadn't, because the words of the blogger and her commenters are going to be rolling around in my head now whenever I'm out with my son.
The blogger tells, in the snarkiest of voices, a story of watching a little girl and her grandmother wait for their turn at a library computer. The little girl was flapping her arms and saying repetitively how patient she was, and the grandma was calmly agreeing she was being patient and promising that her turn was soon coming. The story had autism alarm bells going off in my head from the first flap, but the blogger and her commenters took great joy in judging the girl as a brat, the grandmother as an enabler, and the blogger as a monument of patience for not delivering a public smackdown.
Several commenters did finally mention the possibility of autism and shared from their own experience how much more complicated the situation was than the blogger knew, but she slipped not one inch off her high horse. The idea that, for this child, flapping and talking about patience was a 2,000-percent improvement in manners from tantrums and pushing did not go over. A diagnosis may be no excuse, but it is an explanation; is it so impossible for people to have compassion for that?
The blog Squidalicious has a round-up of responses to the Smockity Frocks post. Record yours in the comments.
UPDATE: As Shannon mentions in the comments, Smockity Frocks writer Connie posted an apology on March 30.
Image by Terri Mauro
I have to admit that I’m inspired to coin a new phrase. “Not my peer, not my business.”
Sometimes it can be hard to imagine what it’s like to not have the same abilities and foundations as those around you. It’s hard, too, to not resort to preconceptions to cope. I’m very aware of the repeated references to the Bible – but it would not only be impolite to link the woman’s lack of understanding to her study of religion, but it’d put a slight on so many others who do know more.
Education, as always, makes such a tremendous difference. Meeting an autistic child and learning about coping mechanisms would help the blog writer; remembering the wonderful Christians who have a genuine sympathy and compassion for people with different needs will help reinforce my knowledge that Bible-reading does not equal holier-than-thou. It’s been tough to fight off my know-it-all tendencies, and I know that my battle isn’t done yet, but it is so worth the trouble. Hopefully, Smockity will find her way through too.
I read the blog post being referred to and had a few concerns about the bloggers own parenting style.
Letting 5 kids wander around the library unsupervised while she reads her bible?
And surely one of her own littleangeldarlingpreciouses could have scooted over and invited the little girl to play the game with her.
And perhaps she could have asked her kids who were using two computers to share as the little girl obviously very much wanted to use a computer.
All things I would do in the same situation, and my children would always be happy to give up their spot for someone who wanted it/needed it.
So, we don’t all need a bible in front of us to be snarky and judgemental, most of us just prefer to be the better person.
My eldest is currently going though the steps of diagnosis of Aspergers, and the thought that every time he had a public meltdown and I struggled to keep him safe and secure and defuse the situation, that the people who simply watched and did not offer their help or support went home and were this nasty and judgemental about me or the situation, makes me very sad.
bleh. Gotta say I don’t give bloggers like this one much of my time… can’t imagine I’m going to “raise awareness” or otherwise create warm fuzzy feelings with folks like those.
Lisa
I believe this woman is allowed to say or write whatever she wants. I just hope – and pray – that she will be able to understand her mistakes.
I know people (friends and relatives) who claim to love my autistic son exactly the way he is, then turn around and make fun of a “faggot” or crack jokes about Sarah Palin at the expense of her “retard” son, or speak in hushed tones about the teacher who is of another race. What the? And this is all in my presence! Wild. I think, generally, if an experience does not touch a person intimately, that person leans toward bias and prejudice. I don’t think I am better. I am not. I believe bias and prejudice are wired in to us human beings. We form cliches, root for teams, compete. From childhood, we seek to elevate ourselves above others. It is just sometimes this tendency should be fought. It is not cool to crack prejudicial jokes in private, among like-minded “friends.” It’s not funny. Regardless, if you are only speaking to impress someone or improve your status, your words are slowly etching these opinions on your heart. Words and opinions that become rote. Words that you then freely speak in public and post inline. Words that hurt and alienate.
I continue to be amazed at how some people don’t take the time or interest to understand why. With all of the issues that our kids are facing, parents need to be more proactive in their reasoning processes and cut down on their critical comments about anyone with any difference. This is what I learned and I’m happy that I did! http://bit.ly/a6QzBb
Claudia Broome | Inspiring Disabled Children
I am soooo glad you posted this! I, too, read this when my parents-of-Aspies yahoo group pointed it out a few weeks ago, and it is my friends on that yahoo group that replied to that obnoxious post, before the responses were shut down. Ironically, we are homeschoolers, too, like the woman who posted. Unlike her, we try to lift one another up rather than flaunt any notion of superiority.
I couldn’t believe the restraint with which the moms of aspies replied. Had I been able to, I would have probably ruined it for them with some colorful language. I have no claim of patience, unlike the ASD granddaughter, or the snarky blogger. ; )
The blogosphere is a smaller and smaller world, and folks would be wise to temper their ignorance before spewing it for the world to see. I am grieved as a fellow Christian that this woman thinks she represents my Lord with this hatred and intolerance.
I too, wish i had never read it I am already self conscious in public as it is! She was an idiot!
Kathleen, please tell your friends that I was very impressed by the kind way they commented and shared their experience. They did a great job of offering the information in a nonconfrontational way, and made it very easy for the blogger to say “I never thought of it that way, thanks for sharing that point of view.” Which made some of the responses that followed so much more disheartening.
Erin, I would have done the same thing — pulled one of my kids off the computer, or offered to share. I would have certainly said something to the grandmother, at any rate. Might have defused the situation altogether.
Thank you, Terri, for your post! Your assessment of Smockity’s blog is completely accurate. My beloved nephew has Asperger’s and I was grieved by the lack of compassion in Smockity’s post. Apparently she was trying to be funny, but her blog was so smug and mean-spirited. As a fellow Christian, I hope and pray she shows some humility and posts an apology to all the families out there with kids on the autism spectrum. Given her current post, this doesn’t seem likely, but miracles can happen. Here are her comments, with my thoughts in brackets:
“It has come to my attention that my motives are being slandered because of what I meant to be a humorous look at life around me.” [No one is slandering your motives. You chose the words and tone of your blog. You chose to post your comments in a public forum, so please take responsibility for what you communicated instead of blaming others. Those who disagreed with you communicated in a much kinder, more Christian way than you did.]
“I do not speak for any group of Christians, homeschoolers, stay at home moms, or anyone else, nor am I interested in defending myself to strangers who believe they can judge my character from one post.” [No one is judging your character by voicing constructive criticism of your hurtful post. The tone of your post and your defensive, unkind responses to those who tactfully criticized it reveal some negative things about your character. None of us is perfect and we should all be open to gentle correction, especially regarding comments in an open internet forum. If you don't want to defend yourself to strangers, maybe you shouldn't blog, or at least be more sensitive in what you post.]
“If you are interested in spreading Autism awareness please go to this link to make a donation.” [It is wonderful that you posted a link to the Autism Speaks website and thank you for doing so.]
“I will not be responding to emails or attacks on Twitter, personal blogs, or forums.” [That's fine and your choice. Hopefully in the future your posts will be less inflammatory.]
*Sigh*
I’m sure the couple giving us the stink-eye at the donut shop last week had similar thoughts.
Terri,
I’m leaving this comment on all the blogs I linked to and which haven’t yet cited it: SmockityFrocks issued a sincere apology today.
http://www.smockityfrocks.com/2010/03/an-apology.html