Sometimes older blog posts get comments that request further opinions or advice, but since the original post is far off the front page, it's unlikely that anyone will see it to answer. I'm going to highlight a few of those this week, to get some conversation going on issues that we're all dealing with. First off is a comment from reader Chris in response to a 2009 post about hostile neighbors filing complaints about a child with autism. He writes:
OK, I have another perspective and I ask your help. I am a father of four young kids with one having Bi-Polar with a possibility of Aspergers. So I have some understanding of children with disabilities. My problem is I have a next door neighbor with 2 autistic kids that are driving me up the wall. One is a highly functioning good kid but his younger brother (12yold) is very loud vocally outside for hours at a time. What he does is spray their garden hose inside a 20' X 30' stockade fenced in area between his legs and yells and waves hands while only wearing loose fitting underpants (sometimes the wife and I have caught him doing this naked while the mom is not around .... disturbing for my 10 year old daughter and myself) This kid must go through gallons of water at a time. And all this is in a very small close mobile home park. My question is how do we handle this? The police have been involved on several occasions and we were told the mom is single and she doesn't have much resources for them. What can we do as far as maybe helping to resolve this annoyance or is this a situation that cannot be helped? My wife has approached her on several occasions about the noise and nudity but it seems that it has no effect on her. Is this abuse? Please help! P.S. My wife is a residential counseler for adults with disabilities and she has suggested resources to her but she was uninterested in her suggestions.
What would you advise? Share your experience and suggestions here or in the comments to the original post.
Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images
This is certainly a sensitive situation. It seems obvious that simply talking to mom isn’t going to provide a solution and asking the young boy to stop will be equally ineffective.
I am wondering if there are any suggested strategies to use for when the behaviour comes out. While your wife has tried to talk to mom, is there anything that you can do, respecting boundaries of course, that might divert the boy’s attention to something else?
Another suggestion is to think about your goals for the relationship and for intervening. What are they? What can you do to work toward a solution?
I think that maintaining a good relationship with your neighbour is important. Is it possible to get to know them over and above the issue? What about inviting them over for a coffee, completely unrelated to the disability or behaviour.
If you’re helpful in a not so obvious way perhaps the mom will be more receptive in the future.
My back neighbors are the parents of an autistic adult child (~30 yrs old) that lives with them. He is about 6 ft 5 and is always in their backyard ranting loudly, climbing the large trees on their property (breaking all the branches that he can with his bare hands by either climbing on them, with a ladder or long pole/stick). He has done similar damage to neighboring property trees (that he can reach). They have a pool that he dives, splashes and flops around in loudly ranting at all hours of the day or night. He will sometimes even climb on the roof of the home to jump from into the pool. There are many times that he becomes obviously upset, yelling at the top of his lungs (various hour of the day or night), arguing with his parents and what at times sounds like throwing and breaking things. In the past I have had to call the local police as I have found him in my back yard running with his pants around his ankles. When the police spoke with the parents, they denied that he had even been outside and swore that he was inside the home the entire day (which is never true). Quite often he throws varies objects over the wall (shoes, branches, etc) to my yard. It has become a hazard to even have my 4 yr old play in her own back yard for fear that she can be hurt by something he my throw. He also walks on the brick wall that divides the neighbors properties only wearing lose fitted shorts that typically fall exposing himself without disregard to hide or correct himself.
I have tried speaking with the parents about my concerns, but they only say “he’s autistic and we are sorry”. Although I deeply sympathize with what they are dealing with, I wonder if they really have to?
How patient do we need to be as neighbors? I own a house in a very quiet neighborhood and next door there is a very small rental property. The people who moved in have an Autistic Son. The family in general are VERY noisy and they seem to spend ALL of the moments they are awake outside. Their back yard is right near my front door and directly under my bedroom window. When the kids are not in school they are outside in the back yard playing. The autistic boy is around 9 or 10 years old and when he talks he yells and when he gets upset which is usually about every half hour you can hear it though the neighborhood.
They also have a younger son who was the same age as my son. I also have a 4 year old daughter. The parents made a rule that if my son played with their 7 year old that the autistic kid needed to be invited also. This led to the kids “playing” in my driveway.
The autistic kid developed an obsession with my younger daughter and was often found restraining her with “hugs”. BTW the kid is also much bigger than my 7 year old. Once my wife noticed that the “hugs” were too agressive and we mentioned to my kids that the Autistic kid was not able to play in our yard when 1) my daughter was out and 2) hey were un supervised.
Our neighbors then got insulted and came over threatening my wife and cursing at her in front of our kids. This lead to us not allowing any interaction between my son and them also ( except at school ).
Continued …
So the kids continue to “play” in their yard. From the hours of 3:00 PM to 7:30 PM every day there is a constant hum of shouts turned to screams turning to temper tantrums and yelling back and forth from the autistic child and the mother yelling and screaming back.
On top of this now the parents arent quiet either. From Friday at 5:30 PM until Sunday at 7:00 PM plus some random evenings during the week the parents are outside drinking and playing the radio at high volume. Their response is that the noise ordinance is at 11:00 PM and that they can be as loud as they want until 11:00 PM.
This is an occasional loud verbal argument outside at night ( I guess not to wake their children ) that wake us up.
So this is the current situation. I have spoke to the owner of the house and they have spoke to these tenants. But not much has changed.
I would like to talk to these people although I am not sure it will help and tell them that they should choose between 1) letting the kids “play” in their back yard … there are many parks in the area and they can be as loud as they want there. and 2) being loud themselves. I feel that they should be aware that their kids are not quite and have some respect for us understanding that we are being patient with their children’s noise and that they personally are adding stress to the situation with the additional noise that they cause.
I feel sorry for Autistic children and their parents but at some point where should the line be drawn for interference with the neighbors life? Am I being selfish to ask for 10 minutes of down time on the property that I own? Is it unreasonable that I ask them to be quiet, either have the kids play somewhere else or have the adults keep it quiet when the kids are asleep ?
I think you’re scapegoating autism here. I think you’d have exactly the same problem if this was any family with loud parents and kids. The way in which this particular kid is loud may be atypical, but it sounds like you would be upset with any loud activity. If indeed the noise ordinance says you can make as much noise as you want in your own home and yard until 11 p.m, then this family is within its rights. You can be angry and complain about it, but making it a “These autism families are loud and rude and will ruin your neighborhood!” is unfair.
I have a 17 yr old neighbor that apparently has mind of 2 yr old. Huge boy. Over 6 ft, 250 lbs. The parents plop him in pool from 8 am to 11pm with a tv set and ignore him all day while he moans. I hear it constantly. Their house is soundproof (i know the builder). So unfair that I cant complain because I will look mean. Yet I can’t even have friends over because of the noise
For the last five years, living with a neighbour with autistic child now turning as a 17-18 year over 6 ft tall adult bring me memories of torture to me and my family. Yesterday was the 29th time, he busted my main door and kicking. His poor mom pulled him away. All night and early morning floor and walls banging is a usual day. Police not helping and advise to report when it happen and will make an arrest. I have sympathies with him and his parents and not sure if should do this. But one day, I will have to take help from police to keep myself and my family safe. But this will be against my nature and will feel guilty. His parents are not listening and not cooperating. Police suggested to move to another locality. Its going to cost me 20-30,000 for paying commission/fees. Should I do this or they need to move. I am helpless and cannot make any decision. I understand autism but this has given us torture. Hope one day Denise and Norman will understand that they are making my life miserable. I pray one day they find the right facility to treat their kid. I have lot of respect for those autistic families but some one should realize that their actions are making others a big grief. I hope the Govt. come forward and help these families to provide treatment centers. Police consider this a legal issue of breaking in or assault, but I believe a mental problem. If I sell my house, I will do nothing but give my problem to another. It has already happened to us when I bought this. I don’t know what to do.. Its taking away my freedom and my family life.
Imagine, then, what the hell it is like to be a parent of an autistic child. You are all complaining about things that, realistically, cannot be solved – Autism isn’t something you can ‘make better’ or even control. You cannot walk away and have a break from it as a parent, you cannot abandon the child that you love because their brains are wired completely different to any ‘normal’ person. You get just as stressed as the neighbours if not MORE so and yet you are in the same house as it, being screamed at, hit, bitten, headbutted, having your things smashed and destroyed when they go on a rage they have NO way of controlling. What do you want these people to do? Gag these children and tie them up in a cage somewhere for your pleasure? And you know what? There are children out there who are much worse without having autism, they are just generally little brats who CAN control their behaviour and CAN understand what s right and wrong (unlike in autism) and they still do it. You people need to get educated. These children are, inevitably, living a life and SUFFERING just as much if not more than you are. And they can’t even express that like you can.
xsays,
I knew how to think the right thing about my autistic and learning disabled kid neighbors but wanted to thank you for solidifying it.
At this point all I can do is put up a fence and pray everyday no trouble happens.
There is no dealing with the parents to watch them more closely because they are drunk half of the times. When they arent drunk they scream and cuss at their own kids so maybe its best not to let them know the kids are annoying the rest of the neighborhood.
Thank you again and pray you have peace.