by Jennifer Kolari, MSW, RSW; 287 pages. Subtitle: Transform Your Challenging Child and Build Loving Bonds for Life - The Groundbreaking, Parent-Approved Program
I'm a big believer in positive behavior support, and accutely aware of how wimpy it looks on paper. While it may seem impossibly soft and child-coddling to those raised to fear and obey, techniques like Connected Parenting are the ones you come to when you hit a wall with the tried and true. Stepping back and coming at the problem from a different angle isn't weak, it's smart. And if you're lucky, everybody feels empowered.
- Offers an approach to positive behavior support that focuses on understanding and defusing
- Technique can also be used on spouses and less challenging siblings, too
- "Baby play" helps build bonds in between behavioral flare-ups
- Offers general advice as well as solutions for specific situations
- Author's stories of her own parenting disasters soften some of the therapeutic judgment
- Most of the case studies make the transformation look too easy, like the therapist has a magic wand
- If it's hard to figure out your child's feelings, you may have trouble with this approach
- Though there's a chapter on special needs, the book is not specifically about them
- The book could have been shorter and still gotten the same job done
- Part 1: Making or Repairing the Connection
Chapter 1: The Power of Connection - Chapter 2: Create CALM by Mirroring and Joining
Chapter 3: Reconnect and Repair the Bond - Chapter 4: The Power of Parenting Together
Chapter 5: In the Game of Life You Always Get a Second Chance - Chapter 6: Time Well Spent, or Giving Your Child What He Needs
Part 2: Setting Appropriate Limits - Chapter 7: Letting Your Child Know What's Okay and What's Not
Chapter 8: Before You Set Limits, Get Familiar With Your Own - Chapter 9: Frontloading and Intervention -- Key Strategies for Containment
- Chapter 10: A Toolbox of Strategies for Containing and Correcting Behavior
- Part 3: Connecting and Containing in Special Situations
- Chapter 11: Homework, Eating, Sleeping, Bathroom Issues, and More -- Mirroring and Containing to Make Transitions Easier
- Chapter 12: Mirroring and Connecting With the Anxious or Special-Needs Child
Chapter 13: Troubleshooting Common Problems
When your child is acting up, your first instinct may be to tell him what he should be doing -- stop! hurry! focus! -- or rant about how she's making you feel -- embarrassed! angry! disappointed! Connected Parenting offers another idea: Tell your child how how he or she is feeling. Instead of trampling the emotions and concerns that lead to inappropriate behavior in your rush to stop it, mirror them back to your child.
The theory is that kids will keep escalating behavior if they feel adults don't understand their concerns -- and normal disciplinary methods do nothing but confirm that we need the message repeated, louder and with more kicking. Really listening and reflecting back causes the child to feel truly heard and, therefore, no longer in need of the screaming and the crying. Kolari also recommends "baby play" -- cuddling and baby talk and silliness, delivered daily even to older kids -- as a way to rebuild bonds damaged by years of poor behavior management all around.
Sounds easy, particularly in the case studies presented here in which a few words from a therapist set a parent straight and magically change family dynamics. I'd feel a little defensive for the parents who bungle things so badly before being tapped by the Connected Parenting magic wand, if it weren't for the fact that Kolari tells some pretty good stories on herself that reveal how hard it can be to practice what she preaches.
Though there's a chapter on special needs, the technique assumes that you will be able to figure out what your child is feeling, which leaves more inscrutable kiddos like my son out of the loop. I tried some of this technique on my daughter, though, and I can see how well it would work with her. I know I spend more time lecturing her than is at all useful; we'll see if mirroring will bring her around more mercifully.
