Talk about a no-win situation. A power struggle between a parent and a child with behavioral challenges is not going to be pretty, no matter how it ends. Parents feel that if they give in they'll never be able to enforce a rule again, but kids may feel they're fighting for their life, and the powerlessness of losing will only make the next time worse.
Nothing good can come of a power struggle. So here's a thought: Don't engage. Be a conscientious objector. It takes two parties to fight, and you have a choice as to whether you want to be one of them. That doesn't mean you have to lay down and let your child walk all over you. It just means you look for other ways to reach consensus that doesn't involve one of you saying, "My way or the highway."
Chances are, you know where the skirmishes are going to come. Brainstorm some possible compromises or concessions that give your child the illusion of control. Very few situations are as black and white as they seem when you're locked in battle. Find those gray areas and strategize ways to exploit them.
Do some behavior analysis to figure out why your child feels the need to fight over certain things. Often, his reason is better than your reason. There may be real sensory issues involved in battles over clothing or food. Refusal to use the toilet or to sleep on demand may feel to your child like controlling the only things she truly can.
If you think about it, you can probably come up with situations in which you have felt powerless, and wondered why those in control had to be so spirit-crushing about it. (Hey, just flash back on your last IEP meeting.) You have the opportunity to disavow the use of force, and uphold the value of collaboration. That's probably a better thing to model to your child than unquestionable authority anyway.
So next time your child starts to dig in, offer a peace treaty. Don't add to the negative energy that can surge out of control; instead, provide distractions, humor, silliness. Refuse to grab the other end of the rope and start the tug of war. If necessary, give both of you a time-out until tempers are tamed.
The power to figure things out and make them better is the best one to exert. And you never need to pull the plug on that.
