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All-Purpose Apology Templates

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Celebrity Apology Template for Offensive Disability-Related Comments
So you spoke at a roast or a comedy club or a talk show, and you said something intended to be naughty or offhand or publicity-baiting, and now all of a sudden people with disabilities and their parents and advocates are all up in your Twitter feed, taking things wrong and demanding an apology. Honestly, how could you be expected to anticipate that using a minority group as an insult or a punchline would offend people? But now there are angry blog posts, and petitions, and Facebook groups calling for your exile from the land of celebrity, and regardless of your level of contrition, it seems that you must apologize. If for once you’re at a loss for words, the following apology template offers you three options: one that's sincere or at least looks that way, one that lets you keep a little street cred, and one that tells the cold hard truth. Make your choices, post to your Facebook page, and you're good to go.

My Public Apology
(Pick one from each group of choices)

I have recently

  • become aware
  • been disappointed to note
  • been warned by my publicist
that certain remarks I made have
  • offended people.
  • been taken as offensive.
  • negatively affected my brand.
It was certainly not my intent to offend
  • anyone.
  • people with disabilities or their families.
  • people who can make my life unpleasant.
I was just trying to
  • be funny.
  • boldly wage war against political correctness.
  • get my name in the paper.
Because I myself am
  • a parent,
  • an advocate for the oppressed,
  • an often demeaned person,
I deeply regret
  • having caused children and families pain.
  • any misinterpretation people may have made.
  • getting out of bed that morning.
I am
  • not a malicious person,
  • a blind seeker of truth,
  • used to speaking from a script,
and so I couldn’t have anticipated that my
  • silly
  • blatantly provocative
  • random
remark would be received the way it was. I hope you can
  • forgive me.
  • lighten up and learn to take a joke.
  • stop harassing me on Twitter.

And now, just so this doesn't happen again? Check out some parents' testimonials about the awesomeness of their kids with special needs, and our promises that we will stand up for them, for real. Then read my We Expect Respect Manifesto, and study up on 225 alternatives to the R-Word. We parents of kids with special needs, we may accept your apology, but we'll be keeping an eye on you.

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