6. The Right to a Safe Environment
Some siblings live with brothers and sisters who have challenging behaviors. Other siblings assume responsibilities for themselves and their siblings that go beyond their age level and place all parties in vulnerable situations. Siblings deserve to have their own personal safety given as much importance as the family member with special needs.
7. Opportunities to Meet Peers
For most parents, the thought of "going it alone" -- raising a child with special needs without the benefit of knowing another parent in a similar situation -- would be unthinkable. Yet, this routinely happens to brothers and sisters. Sibshops, listservs such as SibNet and SibKids, and similar efforts offer siblings the common-sense support and validation that parents get from Parent-to-Parent programs and similar programs. Brothers and sisters -- like parents -- like to know that they are not alone with their unique joys and concerns.
8. Opportunities to Obtain Information
Throughout their lives, brothers and sisters have an ever-changing need for information about their sibling’s disability—and its treatment and implications. Parents and service providers have an obligation to proactively provide siblings with helpful information. Any agency that represents a specific disability or illness and prepares materials for parents and other adults should prepare materials for siblings and young readers as well.
9. Siblings’ Concerns About the Future
Early in life, many brothers and sisters worry about what obligations they will have toward their sibling in the days to come. Parents can reassure their typically developing children by making plans for the future of their children with special needs, listening to their typically developing children’s suggestions as they make these plans, considering backup plans, and realizing that their typically developing children’s availability may change over time. When brothers and sisters are brought ‘‘into the loop’’ and given the message early that they have their parents’ blessing to pursue their own dreams, their future involvement with their sibling who has a disability will be a choice instead of an obligation. For their own good and for the good of their siblings with disabilities, brothers and sisters should be afforded the right to their own lives. This includes having a say in whether and how they will be involved in the lives of their siblings with disabilities as adults and the level, type, and duration of that involvement.
10. Including Both Sons and Daughters
Just as daughters are usually the family members who care for aging parents, adult sisters are usually the family members who look after the family member with special needs when parents no longer can. Serious exploration of sharing responsibilities among siblings—including brothers—should be considered.
11. Communication
Although good communication between parents and children is always important, it is especially important in families where there is a child who has special needs. An evening course in active listening can help improve communication among all family members, and books such as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (2004) and Siblings without Rivalry (1999) (both by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) provide helpful tips on communicating with children.
12. One-on-One Time with Parents
Children need to know from their parents’ deeds and words that their parents care about them as individuals. When parents carve time out of a busy schedule to grab a bite at a local burger joint or window shop at the mall with their typically developing children, it conveys a message that parents are there for them as well and provides an excellent opportunity to talk about a wide range of topics.
13. Celebrate Every Child’s Achievements and Milestones
Over the years, we’ve met siblings whose parents did not attend their high school graduation -- even when their children were valedictorians -- because the parents were unable to leave their child with special needs. We’ve also met siblings whose wedding plans were dictated by the needs of their sibling with a disability. One child’s special needs should not overshadow another’s achievements and milestones. Families who seek respite resources and creative solutions and strive for flexibility can help ensure that the accomplishments of all family members are celebrated.
14. Parents’ Perspective Is More Important than the Actual Disability
Parents would be wise to remember that the parents’ interpretation of their child’s disability will be a greater influence on the adaptation of their typically developing sibling than the actual disability itself. When parents seek support, information, and respite for themselves, they model resilience and healthy attitudes and behaviors for their typically developing children.
15. Include Siblings in the Definition of "Family"
Many educational, health care, and social service agencies profess a desire to offer family-centered services but continue to overlook the family members who will have the longest-lasting relationship with the person who has the special needs -- the sisters and brothers. When brothers and sisters receive the considerations and services they deserve, agencies can claim to offer "family-centered" -- instead of "parent-centered" -- services.
Excerpted with permission from "Sibshops, Revised Edition" by Don Meyer and Patricia Vadasy. (Published by Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co.; 978-1-55766-783-0. Copyright © 2008 by Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co., Inc.; all rights reserved.) Sibshop and Sibshops are service marks and trademarks owned by Donald J. Meyer on behalf of the Sibling Support Project.
