Readers Respond: What's the Worst Thing a "Loved One" Has Said About Your Child or Parenting?

Responses: 86

By Terri Mauro, About.com Guide

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When we were adopting my son, the judge said "Are you sure? These kids have problems." Of course we were sure! We had seen his problems for six months. And he said it in front of my son! A policeman said we should punch my son after he had to have them called because he was out of control. Another said we should lock him in a closet. A good friend told us he would definitely murder someone. She was overwhelmed and grieving, so we took that one with a grain of salt. My mother in law told me we should get rid of my son. She also wouldn't vist him when he was in a mental hospital for two weeks because "she didn't know what to do". What choice do I have but forgive her? I said nothing because I do not want a family feud. Some would call that foolish but I call it expedient. Past feuds in our extended family that do not involve us have gone on for more than thirty years. My grandma in-law did not respond when told her grandson had problems.
—Guest HS

Ignorance & bad attitude are disabling to people. When someone says something rude, unkind or stupid to your special needs loved one or to you about a special needs person just realise a toxic person has an "...attitude disability...", & they can overcome it is they recognise it & chose to do so.
—Guest Yucca Ann

One of my best friends commented "Well, you've got one child that's a flop..." and I HATE it when people say "You were chosen to have a special child."
—Guest MomOFaHandicappedSon

My daughter who has CP as well as a host of many other health issues lost her father at the age of 7 months. Two days after his funeral, her father's family started taking any and everything they could get their greedy little hands on, including our car, which was left in his father's name for insurance reasons. When told that they would not be allowed in her life if this was how they were going to act, her grandfather said "That was fine." I ended up having to hire an attorney just to obtain some of my husband's property. They treat/talk to my daughter as if she doesn't have a brain cell. She has a normal IQ and has lived independently. One friend suggested that I give her up for adoption. Needless to say, that friendship ended that day. People who treat our children in such a manner are the truth one's with the disability, one of cold-hearted stupidity.
—Guest KyMom

When my son was 2 year old and was running all over (this was before he was diagnosed ADHD ) my now ex husband grabbed him by the face and said I wish I never had you!! You messed up my life! Needless to say we are divorced now and he rarely sees his dad...
—Guest Susan

My mother-in-law would not hold my 3 yr old (non-walker) and read him a story because "he was 'defective' and we know whose fault it is because WE don't have any of that on our side of the family." My mom-in-law also told me once that she didn’t know what to do with blonde grandchildren. (She’s Italian, I’m Norwegian) My sister-in-law got in my face and yelled, "I hope you don't do this to any other children." when my newborn was in NICU. My father-in-law told me I needed to let my children make their own choices so let’s resolve the piano vs soccer problem. He said no that I need to let my kids decide their life (ages 8,10,12) such as: diet, telephone manners, do or not do homework, chores, bedtime etc. You get the idea. He expected me to raise great kids without teaching or disciplining them at all. He equated my mothering to the Gestapo.
—Guest Sue

My mother can't seem to seperate me from her 12 step group. She takes every opportunity to criticize and pick everything I do apart. Fool that I am I thought our mom is supposed to love and support us even if we are not doing what they think is right.
—Guest Jill

I can think of so many comments by my MIL and FIL. I have been told that I am too lenient, that my son is the one in charge, that he is out of control and that I have done something wrong. I've been advised to go back to work so that a professional can care for him. I found this advice most insulting. I have a teaching certificate in early childhood ed. with approval in early childhood special ed. I'm overqualified to work in most child care centers!! I couldn't bring myself to tell my husband about this one. Once we took my son to a specialist and all of my suspicions were confirmed, they took a different view. Now they are very patient, sympathetic and want nothing more than to help out. They have offered to help pay for services, tuition for private school if we felt that was the best route, etc. The difference came almost overnight!! Why did he need the label? It doesn't change who he is.
—Guest Beth

At a family function, I overheard my mother in law saying to a friend of hers that my son wouldn't have the issues (autism) that he has now if she were the one parenting him.
—Guest Kat

I was at a county fair and my son was having a tantrum and a few strangers brought it upon themselves to tell me that I shouldn't allow my son to act that way. Telling them he has ASD made them apologize to me... :0)
—Guest mommieonamissioninmd

I have experienced folks saying things in church because they don't understand what we go through. i've even been falsely accused of child abuse by someone saying our non-verbal child didn't eat nor sleep well. Our child has never had an eating or sleeping problem.
—Guest Kristy

My mother in law always said "I have two thin grandchildren and two others". TO THEM!
—Guest Nancy

My stepmother is always sure to point out how her "real grandchildren" are meeting all of their developmental milestones and that thankfully they seem to have "dodged the autism bullet." I, obviously, did not. My 2 sons have severe autism and she ignores them like the plague.
—Guest Sunday

At family event where my child is continually hit by slightly younger cousin-my childs hits back-cousin cries-sisterinlaw starts yelling demanding that my child apologize to her b/c she did not understand my child that has speech issue (even though my child said in lower scared voice "I'm sorry") - ignorance is hard to tolerate in family members!!
—Guest Mary Rose

My oldest (36) & youngest (32) are special needs. The middle son (33) bought them hockey tickets for Christmas presents. The middle son lives on the east side of NYC in the mid 30's. Madison Square Garden is on the west side in the mid 40's. My oldest has a weight problem, not that we don't try to stop his eating but it is part of his disability He can't stop. I don't even keep food in their apartment (they live upstairs from my husband and I). The Middle Son wants me to drop my sons off at his apartment so they can walk to the Garden. To quote him "he'll probably have a heart attack with the long walk so may be he shouldn't even come because we are not waiting for him." If he were not my son - excuse me - I would rip his face off. How could he be so hurtful?
—Zimasmom

Terri Mauro
Children With Special Needs Guide