From the article: Dealing with Toxic People
He said what? What did she mean by that? Sometimes when you need support from your family and friends the most, that's when their most toxic behavior comes out. Share your tale of rude, cruel, tactless, or clueless outbursts here, and read what others have gone through, too. And they think our kids have problems! Share Your Shock
shocking words
- I instruct martial arts for children with special needs, and the majority are in the Autistic spectrum. A few parents brought their special needs children to me but refused to place them in my class because they didn't feel their child belonged with "disabled kids." I had one mom tell me that her "PDD" son didn't belong in the special needs class because "those kids look retarded!" After a very BRIEF discussion I assured her that not only were all the children in my class special and doing great, but unfortunately there wasn't a place for her in my studio anyway but her son was welcome to stay.
- —Guest pauldelsordo
Out of nowhere comments hurt the most...
- Recently I let a friend/neighbor know that I was angry at her 13 yr. old for "borrowing" things without asking. The last straw for me was when his mother/my friend gave him my house key while I was working so he could borrow my steam machine. I was angry but I told her I wanted him to apologize and still work off the money with me for the items he broke in my home. She said, "Your son is no innocent. He uses his disability to his advantage." I was floored and still am. My son has Asperger's and for her to even suggest he is "benefitting" from his disorder told me exactly how clueless she was. The scolding her child received lasted five seconds this is our enternity. I've found another thing to be true and I never realized it until I had a special needs child of my own. Sometimes people's greatest cruelties come from what they believe is kind words. As another comment said most people just act relieved its you and your child and not them and their gestures/words cruelly let you know.
- —Guest kasjohn1
Looking Past the Obvious...
- Once, shortly after my second son was born, an acquaintance came over to my house to help me clean things up. After about an hour, she observed my oldest son, who was two years old at the time. She then asked me if I had talked to the doctor about his height, saying, "He might be a dwarf." I was shocked! We now know that he is of smaller stature because he has Neurofibromatosis (he wasn't diagnosed then), but the obvious answer was staring her in the face: my husband is over six feet tall, but I'm just over five feet tall. Clearly, my son (and, coincidentally, one of my daughters) takes after me when it comes to height. I know I should move on, but eight years later, it still appalls me that she would just jump to that conclusion.
- —Guest tenderharvest
evil comments from neighbor
- I have a beautiful child that is deaf, autistic, M/R and a list of physical problems..along with genetic syndrome yet to be identified. I moved here from Florida 10 years ago...so my son would be able to attend WPSD in Pittsburgh. I moved to a small town about 30 minutes from Pittsburgh...a nice quiet neighborhood and great neighbors...except for one who happened to live next door. This woman was mean to the core...and made it a point to tell as many people as possible that the reason my child was disabled...was because he was a crack baby. I have never been so shocked and hurt in my entire life. She was hoping since no one really knew me and I was from Florida...they would all just believe her wild story. The sad thing is...she was jealous...because I was happy...even though I divorced to bring my son up here for a chance at education...and I was happy being a mom to my special child. I tried hard not to let it bother me...as that only made her happy. My child is a gift.
- —Guest Stormy13
Good People
- There have been lots of hurtful comments (most recently my MIL saying she prays for my son every night...that God might "take away that mountain of autism that the devil has placed upon him." Ummm...) I'd rather focus on the countless other people in our lives who support us unconditionally. There are the neighbors we met when my son (who has elopement issues) walked right into their house--those neighbors insist it's the whole community's job to protect my child. There are the people at church who go out of their way to ask about my son when I show up by myself and who make sure I know he's welcome. There's the woman at the fair who politely ignores his giant sensory meltdown and then tells us--without irony--what a blessing he is when we get up from the table. There are good people out there, you know? Let's focus on those.
- —Guest Anne
Spank him
- We started seeing developmental delay in my son when he was about 6 months. We started testing at 7. While we were going through all this testing I had a cousin who felt that she needed to chime in. She said that there was nothing wrong with my baby. I coddled him and didn't make him do what he needed to do to learn how to crawl, sit or roll. I needed to spank him because he was just misbehaving! When my son was 9 months old we learned that his eyes were underdeveloped, he had fluid on his brain, and he had fragile x syndrome (all 3 are unrelated). Seriously, who spanks an infant!!
- —Guest Christina
So Many Comments
- There have been so many over the years, but two stick out the most. Once, at a birthday party, my MIL said about my son who has autism "this is no place for him" as I was getting him to leave. Another time was when we put him on melatonin and my FIL said "CPS will take away your kid for that." I just feel like they would change everything about him if they could, rather than embrace what a great kid he is.
- —EllieM78
Lose the Stereotypes
- It's not my immediate family that's created shock over the course of our years of living with a disability but fellow members of my disability family that have shocked or used words that were very cruel and hurtful. Once when a mom said "My child couldn't have fragile X because he's not retarded. Retarded children have no ability, no strengths, they're a flat line." Not all children with fragile X have mental impairment. Another time when a mom of a child working with a group of parents trying to bring about a local support group for younger children said she didn't like working with the Arc because she didn't want her child being with retards. Individuals need to understand that condtions that may create mental impairment are spectrum disorders just like autism, the impairment may result in only learning disabilites or it may result in severe impairment. They need to remember to recognize the person first, the disability/condition second. www.r-word.org
- —Guest Guest Sally
Shock Jock
- The worst thing I ever heard was the radio shock jock who claimed there was no such thing as autism, that "these kids" are just spoiled brats. As the grandmother of a beautiful 7-year-old child with autism, and as a special education teacher, I can assure everyone that there is such a thing. I'm tired of these claims from people who are too lazy to educate themselves first. Come to my home or my classroom, and I'll show you what autism looks like.
- —Guest Jean
Toxic Sister
- My sister goes around talking to our relatives about me and my 3 children. I am relocating to a city where I have many relatives. Recently, I was told by my cousin's husband that while my mother was visiting with them that my teenage daughter with ADHD and I were not welcome in their home and did not want any drama. I was shocked because I did not know where he was coming from because I don't discuss my children with him or my cousin. It obviously came from my toxic sister. After I told my mother, she said that she would not go a place where her daughter and granddaughter where not welcome. My sister, who is older than me, as well as my cousin, forget they had teenagers that challenged our homes as they grew up. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!
- —Guest StarScholar
Vegetable for a Grandson
- While our son was still in the NICU and we were deciding if we should take him off of life support (his kidneys had shut down and he was in a coma), my own mom said we should pull the IV because she didn't want a 'vegetable' for a grandson. He's a teen now. Although he has multiple issues, he's a happy, happy boy! That's all that matters to me and to my husband.
- —Guest Just Me
How could they say these things?
- We have a profound special needs grandson named CJ. My father-in-law asked me what we did to God that we got a child like CJ? My response was that we should ask what did we do to be blessed with a baby like CJ? And then he asked when were we going to put him in an institution? He was serious! I was shocked. Friends told me I should have replied that we'll put CJ in an institution when we put him (my father-in-law) in a nursing home. CJ has more understanding & love in his little finger than most people have in their whole body. He has helped us re-define our thoughts of "normal". We are blessed.
- —Angima
She's wierded out.
- A friend of mine came to visit me at work, and decided, when I told her I had to pick up my 3-year-old autistic kid from school, to come along "just to pass time." I'd never told her about my child's condition but from her brief interaction with him, she was able to tell something was wrong and kept asking questions like "what's that noise he's making?" "How come he talks funny?" At some point she even backed away when my son tried to touch her. I'm acting like I didn't notice anything but secretly I was longing for an opportunity to watch her land on her teeth. And I don't want her in my life anymore.
- —Guest GiGG
Are You Going to Feed Her Junk?
- I was on a camping trip with my family. I don't see my brother very often now that he's married and always gets what he wants. He only visted my child a couple times in the hospital. My child has a rare chromosome disorder that has lots of different problems like gaining weight. She is also Failure to Thrive. It takes her 2 months to gain a pound then she loses when she gets sick. I was sitting at the picnic table giving my little girl a brownie. My brother said are you just going to feed her junk. I said No. Thinking to myself I work with a nurse and nutritionist and they say give her what she wants. She does not take much by mouth. At least she wasnt projectile vomiting or throwing. At least she was eating. That was a tough thing for her. He would not know he never asked his life is perfect. And at Easter he jumped cause I made a joke. It was not a good time due to my child in hospital at the time I didn't know what she had if she was going to die.
- —MMMSTANDSFORMOM
learning to ignore most odd coments
- Most family and friends seem just happy to NOT be in my shoes. When tired, I let comments bother me. I remember a hurtful one coming from my dear brother, upon explaining that one of my adult son (who is described as a walking victim) is being physically man-handled by his boss, during training at a fast food resturaunt, and that we are trying to stay out of it. I felt it important to educate my son about 'self-advocacy' while closely monitoring him and thinking about a criminal case. Brother bluntly said, "I am glad I am not his boss!"
- —Guest hope.rnch
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